“but there was nothing I could do to dim the supernovae exploding inside my brain, an endless chain of intra cranial firecrackers”
― John Green
Hi my name is Katelyn and I am an overthinker.
John Green described it best and maybe that is why I didn’t write for a while… because there is a supernovae exploding inside my brain. Overwhelmed, anxious, scared. I don’t know.
Have you ever been at a point where there is so much happening in your life that you actually cannot keep up so you just sit and absorb it all and feel permanently tired. I am understanding that feeling a bit more lately. Friends leave- I know that Life gets busy- I know that. Disappointments happen- I know that. So why am I allowing myself to be defeated by all that is happening instead of confronting it?
“I had some terrific experiences in the wilderness since I wrote you last – overpowering, overwhelming,” he gushed to his friend Cornel Tengel. “But since then I am always being overwhelmed. I require it to sustain life.
― Jon Krakauer,
The controlling bit of me cannot understand why I am allowing myself to spiral. Not spiral as in I am having a meltdown and shaving my head and doing things I would not normally do. Spiralling to the point where I feel I have no voice. If you know me personally you would be shocked because if there is anything I use a lot it is my voice and my opinions. I think that me being overwhelmed is a sign that I am not looking to the Author and Perfector of my faith. We are told to cast all our anxieties unto Him and to speak to our soul but honestly do we even do that? Prayer starts to become a habit and reading our Bible gets brushed off. We become overwhelmed when we internalise the world and not His Word. I am guilty of being so busy that I am all about me. You did that to ME. You hurt ME. This is hurting ME. Blaming and finger pointing is just like unforgiveness. A bitter pill that we choke on.
“If you are too busy to pray, you are busier than God wants you to be.”
― Wanda E. Brunstetter,
Before you shut down and stop reading my blog I want you to know that this is not a blog post to bring pity or for me to sit here and ask for loving and kind messages. This is a blog post about seeking The One who calms the storms and to speak to your innermost self. I have been obsessed with the song “It is well”- By Bethel Music for the longest time and I did not realise why it was so intune with my soul until I started writing this blog post again. We are not supposed to internalise the pain but to speak about it and understand it. Stress causes many health issues because we keep it inside and make dramatic grunts instead of figuring out a way to minimise our stress and prioritise what really matters.
“Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.”
― Wanda E. Brunstetter,
You can either decide to let life happen to you and sit back and feel overwhelmed or you can let life come with all its might but you are ready for the fight that is about to come. Rest in knowing that God is still in control and that you have a lot more within you that you do not realise. Grow through what you go through. Writing this blogpost did not immediately stop me from overthinking and bring a sense of calmness to my soul. You need to realise that peace is something we have to work on daily. We need to stop the seeds of thought before it grows into a tree and has a lot of ripe fruits of negativity. It is a daily process. A work out regime and diet for your soul if you wish.
These thoughts and feelings of isolation came make us feel rejected but I found this amazing quote that brought some comfort to me.
“Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.”
― Bernard Branson
“The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say, ‘O God, forgive me,’ or ‘Help me.’” –Billy Graham
“Endure. In enduring, grow strong.”
The walk is not easy but it is filled with rewards in forms our mind cannot comprehend. Trusting that things will get better and allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a daily walk.
Through it all, through it all. My eyes are on You.