2017, Uncategorized

Seize: live loved.

“The most pathetic person in the world is some one who has sight but no vision.” 
― Helen Keller

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“Without vision the people perish” A well known scripture in the book of Proverbs and something I have been able to see in my own life. “If you fail to plan , you plan to fail” right? I began this year with the vision “Seize : live loved”. In my planning I acknowledge my shortcomings and areas I need to improve basically and like things that I believe will grow me into all God has destined me to be. I am a runner. No not fit or anything (2018 I might be able to say this but as for 1998-2017 me I cannot say that). When the going gets tough I get frustrated, push through and never speak of the events again. I am task driven and can fix things with ease but once people get in the mix that is a whole other ball game of emotions I am apparently not yet equipped for.

 

Are you comfortable? I am about to tell you the story of 2017. The year of memes that concealed our suffering. The year of the internet. The year where sass was not concealed. The year where everything was made clear.

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”
― Zora Neale Hurston

2017 did not ask questions nor did it answer questions but it pointed things out and alluded to things you had to make your own mind up about. If anything 2017 made us more independent than ever. I fight – I do not like being wrong, I do not like being vulnerable and I do not like not knowing the answer (the  answer to what you may ask – well the answer to anything really). I like being complimented, I like being recognised and I like being liked. I know all these things about myself but I fall short at being a decent person towards myself. I do not celebrate my achievements I just keep aiming for the next one. I do not mourn heartbreak or a break up or the end of a friendship – I just shake it off and move on. I forgive but my heart still aches. I live for the end goal – the one day – the tomorrow. We never reach tomorrow we just keep getting met by today’s and waste our today’s thinking about yesterday so basically we never really greet each day the way the day greets us and we wonder why we keep living in a spiral of heartache, sadness and no growth. NOTE: I am really not pointing fingers  as I am one who lives thinking about yesterday while dreaming about tomorrow – today. Poor today.

 

Opportunities came and I am proud to say I grabbed them with both hands but living loved… oh boy that opportunity did not get met with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. It was met with the harsh reality that a fear of rejection and a fear of commitment can be a seed one day but when not given the attention it can grow in full force. That the thing with bad things it just needs negligence to grow – it is the good that requires effort and attention. Forgiveness is one thing but healing is a completely different thing. I have shared time and time again in small snippets on my blog before that my dad was and is an absent father and I no longer hate him or wish the worst or him but I do unfortunately have this little negative thing at the back of my mind that keeps telling me that “don’t get too close because they will leave” Romantic relationships, friendships, moments, opportunities. How awful?

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“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
― Brené Brown

 

My challenge for 2018 to myself is to love myself without ensuring others love me. I want to be able to walk into a room and think who can I greet instead of – why are they looking at me? Is it something I am wearing? Did they hear something about me? There are years that ask questions and there are years that answer and this year as I said has underlined, emphasized and circled everything I needed to focus on. I have always been about goals but never made – self love- the godly kind a focus. Who does God say I am? God won’t leave me if I fall short but He loves me because of who He is and not my achievements or shortcomings.

 

My vision for 2018 is CONTENDER: I will . I will fight for me, for love, for God and oh no not through my strength but through Him who is in me.

 

“Yet not what I will, but what You will” – Mark 14:36

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