2018

Step by step. Breath by breath.

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Hello everyone. I know I have not written anything in the past 6 months mainly because I have been feeling like I have not done much to write about. The following piece is real and raw, and I hope not silly. My vision for this year is “CONTENDER” as I mentioned in my previous post so naturally, some fighting would have to occur.

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” – Harriet Beecher Stowe

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This year marks 5 years since I secretly attempted to end my life and I still have thoughts that “you aren’t really doing much with your life Kate” which goes to show that overcoming is not a one-time showdown. You can be a defending champion, but you need to fight repeatedly. You need to guard against thoughts and in the past five years I have been working on my fear of abandonment and fear of rejection. I have matriculated, got a full-time job in something I am passionate about and that is God and recently I have also started studying towards a degree. Now starting new challenges and things that are quite big bring up the feelings of inferiority and what I heard on the playground in primary school starts ringing in my ears again. I have developed an issue where I immediately want to take a nap when I am stressed – it is the strangest thing.

“When the going gets tough, put one foot in front of the other and just keep going. Don’t give up.”

― Roy T. Bennett, ‘The Light in the Heart’

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My 5-year plan in 2013 after God saved me from myself was to matriculate with distinctions, get into a good university and my dream degree, to write a book, to graduate from varsity with my degree, find a good job, getting a license was somewhere in that plan and to become influential in my writing and of course being happy was and is a goal. Now let me just tell you how all those plans that I wanted to do in my strength fell to pieces. I did matriculate with 2 distinctions, got into a good university and into my dream degree being communications and psychology (I love talking) but I also dropped out after the first semester and that was the most difficult thing my brain had to come to terms with. I got two chapters into my book. I, of course, did not graduate (should have graduated this year with my degree). I have an incredible job, getting closer to that license (you can pray for me) and I don’t always feel like I am influential in my writing soooo yes but in all that happiness – joy – is something I strive towards daily. Not the happiness that makes the world’s timeline make sense but the happiness that says, “Lead me, Lord”.

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant – Robert Louis Stevenson.

Now you are probably stuck on the “you dropped out?” section. Well, let me just tell you that sometimes you must go through a situation to have sympathy for someone else. In grade 10 I took Math’s and got just below 80% and judged people who took Math’s lit internally. Then grade 11 came and I had to go to several math’s tutors and cry before every math’s exam just to scrape through and get asked to consider taking Math’s Lit. So, when I knew of people who skipped university or people who dropped out I too judged internally only to have my eyes opened to reality and that varsity is not for everyone and it does not make you any less capable if you went or did not go. Leading me to start studying towards a degree in the same year I should have graduated with one. Life humbles you and helps you become more sympathetic in the strangest ways. Now, these are the cards I was dealt, and I am not saying you should play your cards the way I have played mine.

You are not in this world to live up to other people’s expectations, nor should you feel the world must live up to yours – F Perl.

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Oh, but what is the point. The point is that if I had my way I would be dead today but instead God had His way and I am here – learning and growing day by day. Now do I have days where I wish things could be fast-tracked or where I could see where the next 5 years will take me? Yes. Today is one of those days – heck last week I sobbed because working and studying full time is not as easy as I planned but it is just yet another process I must fight through and must be courageous in. Yes, I am exhausted, but I did indeed have the vision of being a contender this year and that means I have fought fights before and won and I will continue fighting through every up and down. Discipline and patience in your preparation for the fight will make the fight easier. So, all I can basically say in my whole 19 years and 11 months of living (haha) is that you should love others, yourself and fight and surrender to an all-knowing and loving God. Life is not a linear line but as Doctor Who would say life is “timey-wimey” and it really is. There is no set plan you should follow – have goals yes but not at the expense of your life. Have dreams yes but not at the expense of your health. Pressure is good – it turns coal into diamonds but don’t put so much pressure on yourself that you would prefer not to see another day.

 

Go ahead and be brave, strong and kind (to yourself and others) and breathe.

 

“Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes.
Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. 
You’re doing just fine.” 
― Charlotte Eriksson

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