2018, Uncategorized

Get back in the ring.

“Tired, tired with nothing, tired with everything, tired with the world’s weight he had never chosen to bear.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned

We have heard the saying “sometimes you have to fight a battle more than once to win” but I do not think we realise how true and powerful that quote really is. It is in letting our guard down that we become susceptible to unnecessary pain. If you have read any of my previous posts this year you will know that my “vision” for the year is to be a Contender. And oh boy has it been a show to watch. I am an overthinker as we all know and if I do not put my guard up against sending myself down a spiral of negative thoughts I will get caught in a web of anxiety of feelings of insecurity that are rooted in nothing more than lies. We often need to apologise to ourselves for the lies we tell ourselves because we would never be caught dead telling the things we tell ourselves to others because that is bullying and emotional abuse after all but we are so comfortable telling ourselves those lies.

“There were many times when truth spoke to me, but I did not listen. Often it called to me, but I did not hear it. I was too busy listening to lies. Unfortunately, if you listen to lies long enough, when truth speaks you cannot hear or bear it.”
― Lisa Bevere, Fight Like a Girl: The Power of Being a Woman

So hello dearest readers and welcome to a bit more about me. I love the quote about from F. Scott Fitzgerald because it speaks about the place we can get ourselves into sometimes. Being exhausted and not even sure why but we know why – we let our thoughts keep us up at night, we over committed ourselves to more than we should carry (we can do anything but not everything – remember?) and we just put ourselves into an emotional place that we knew we should not be in but hey the heart is stubborn.

One thing I have learnt in the past 5 months or so is that Coping is not curing… I have done an incredible job at learning how to live side by side with my anxious thoughts and thinking okay this is how its going to be and this is where things stand until one day I felt a good little shake in my spirit (basically telling me to pull it together- gosh) saying that just because you are coping does not mean the situation is getting better or even changing at all. Like imagine you have a pain and the pain is there for a few days and you obviously notice it and try to suppress it and then that same pain is now present for a few weeks… still a bit uncomfortable but meh? and now its years later and you have figured out how to move independently and worked around the pain as a whole. We as humans are often caught in the trap of living a life of just dealing with the situation we are in and making it work instead of saying “nah fam this is not what my life is going to be like”. Now I know you cannot just get up and say no its done but you can make daily changes to help accommodate a new way of living.

I am a chronic overthinker who gets overwhelmed by my own thoughts and then I think of all the negative what if and research it and then I am slightly emotional and angry and then I go to bed. Healthy right? Well a few people asked how do I actively cope with my anxiety and thoughts well this is where things get tough and quite interesting… What I do depends on the thoughts.

“Lovely One, if you dare to dream, you must be brave enough to fight.”
― Lisa Bevere, Girls with Swords: How to Carry Your Cross Like a Hero

Insecurities: I take note of what I have achieved and who God says I am. No I do not feel immediately better but I give myself something else to think about. When it comes to success… I break the situation up and give myself smaller pieces to chew because anyone would be frantic if a tidal wave came towards them but if a few drops of water came sprinkling towards them they would cope much better. I have learned how to talk myself out of the emotions by sometimes literally repeating the words “it is going to be okay…it is going to be okay” . Please do not go thinking “gosh what happened to her?”nothing happened to me but I am human and have a desire to take on more than I should and that can leave me feeling tired. Anxiety does not only come to those who have had an emotional warfare it can literally happen to anyone.

“Outward pressure is always an opportunity to be inwardly transformed.”
― Lisa Bevere, Girls with Swords: How to Carry Your Cross Like a Hero

  1. 1.
    a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.

See? It can happen to ANYONE! Anyway… the point I am trying to get to is that – you need to keep positive thoughts going and doing what you are capable of and yes that is anything but not everything. Do not get yourself to the point of exhaustion that not even sleep can cure but you need to live…”(informal”: Spend one’s time in an extremely enjoyable way).  Do not run away from the difficult situation or the overwhelming task you are about to undertake but take steps each and every day that will help and guide you. Plan your weeks and days so you can see that it is possible and when the thoughts of “I am not worthy” remind yourself that You are Who HE says you are… God calls you worthy and if you do not believe in God know that you are still enough and that getting up each and everyday should not feel like a mammoth task that has no end goal but cheer yourself on because you are doing so well.

“We are meek in the way we follow and fierce in the way we fight. In this manner, gentle and fierce meet and are comfortable.”
― Lisa Bevere, Lioness Arising: Awaken the Power of the Untamed Life

You are going to need to fight the battles sometimes many times to win but victory is there and as you know there are many rounds to a boxing match but you are a contender and you should fight till the end. Do not give up because the opponent seems bigger or that he is spitting words at you claiming you are weak and pathetic but instead you best stand guard and put your best foot forward and fight. Pace yourself and fight. Bernard Hopkins says that you got to keep your mind clean and your body clean.

I recently got a tattoo that symbolises “when you see the flowers you will understand the important of the rain”. The seed doesn’t give up when it is planted and doesn’t see being in the dirt as a failure but it takes up the nutrients of the soil, soaks up the rains and spreads its roots and when well anchored begins to bud and blossom. In this way we should live too.

Though the winter is long even richer
The harvest it brings
Though my waiting prolongs even greater
Your promise for me like a seed
I believe that my season will come.

Seasons, Hillsong Worship

Your season is coming but to win you need to get back into the ring.


Wilderness thinking.

IMG_4531 (1)Dare anxiety come, I’ll remember that peace is a promise You keep. – Hillsong Young & Free.

I cannot even begin to describe the shame one feels when they get into the overthinking rut or even just feel anxious. You try and hide your emotions because you fear people will run away and think you’re crazy or you pull away from situations until the wave has passed. Now you are probably wondering why an overthinker would come onto the internet and share such vulnerabilities with the world? Well, it is simple… My battle is not my own and I do not fight for personal freedom but I fight for you reading this to let you know you are not alone and that you are worthy of love.

The strange thing with overthinking is that it happens randomly and unexpectedly. You do not sit by your diary and schedule a 3 pm overthinking for Thursday but it happens when everything is going great and your brain just decides that now is the time to self-sabotage for fun – it is fun right? Haha I make a joke out of it but it isn’t really that fun at all but there are ways I have figured out to talk myself down from the situation. The only way I have been able to cope with overthinking at all is all thanks to God. The fact that He loves me for everything I am not and everything I am. Now you probably want to dive a little deeper into my thought process … please remove all judgement now and then enter. Thank you. Hello and welcome to the brain of Katelyn. I am an overthinker that happens to be a perfectionist with the love language of words of affirmation but also the constant desire to be more. Messy hey? Well, you see we operate in all situations through our personal context. “This is what happened to me growing up so I see the world in this light” – that kind of thinking.



You and I know my story and life experiences well so this isn’t another here’s my past blog post but a post to let you know that it is okay…

Even when my mind wreaks havoc
I will be still – Hillsong Young & Free 

The slightest of change in the way things were can result in my overthinking to start. I am not saying it all starts the same way but I realised that when my guard is down these things tend to spark up. I get overwhelmed by an exam coming up or simply because I only got 4 hours of sleep last night and now because all my energy is focused on that when the random thoughts of “hmm.. did you see so and so changed ?” or “heyo your hair is doing a thing…” or even ” did you see you spoke and nobody listened?”. Honestly four years ago no one would see me with big curly hair all proud and stuff …or even worse having my hair down felt like the biggest step ever because I felt it brought attention to me. I mean it is just hair? Why did it overwhelm me so? Well… that is the battlefield of the mind.

We all have our own battles but the trick in all of this is that you need to know that you have to sometimes fight a battle more than once to win… and victory can only come after the battle – so honey you have to fight. I had or sometimes still have insecurities that attempt to devour my mind but the only way to fight those thoughts are to use the words God uses for you and pray. Seriously prayer helps massively. When you get into a whirlwind of whatever your battle is just remind yourself to be present in the situation and look at the reality, look to God and what He has said and do not focus too much on yourself because it tends to increase the problem (but don’t disregard your feelings either).


Just because you are in the middle of your wilderness it does not mean the promises God made to you won’t come true and once you leave your wilderness you need to get rid of wilderness mentality of “things are never enough” because you are chosen and God is bigger than anything you are facing and in the promise land things are “more than enough”. Yes, we will face this battle over and over again. Being a contender does not mean the battle will be easy but it means you qualify to fight – so please fight those thoughts.


All anxiety bows in the presence of Jesus the Keeper of Peace
And peace is a promise He keeps.  – Hillsong Young  & Free


– A letter to myself and a letter to you.


Step by step. Breath by breath.


Hello everyone. I know I have not written anything in the past 6 months mainly because I have been feeling like I have not done much to write about. The following piece is real and raw, and I hope not silly. My vision for this year is “CONTENDER” as I mentioned in my previous post so naturally, some fighting would have to occur.

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” – Harriet Beecher Stowe


This year marks 5 years since I secretly attempted to end my life and I still have thoughts that “you aren’t really doing much with your life Kate” which goes to show that overcoming is not a one-time showdown. You can be a defending champion, but you need to fight repeatedly. You need to guard against thoughts and in the past five years I have been working on my fear of abandonment and fear of rejection. I have matriculated, got a full-time job in something I am passionate about and that is God and recently I have also started studying towards a degree. Now starting new challenges and things that are quite big bring up the feelings of inferiority and what I heard on the playground in primary school starts ringing in my ears again. I have developed an issue where I immediately want to take a nap when I am stressed – it is the strangest thing.

“When the going gets tough, put one foot in front of the other and just keep going. Don’t give up.”

― Roy T. Bennett, ‘The Light in the Heart’


My 5-year plan in 2013 after God saved me from myself was to matriculate with distinctions, get into a good university and my dream degree, to write a book, to graduate from varsity with my degree, find a good job, getting a license was somewhere in that plan and to become influential in my writing and of course being happy was and is a goal. Now let me just tell you how all those plans that I wanted to do in my strength fell to pieces. I did matriculate with 2 distinctions, got into a good university and into my dream degree being communications and psychology (I love talking) but I also dropped out after the first semester and that was the most difficult thing my brain had to come to terms with. I got two chapters into my book. I, of course, did not graduate (should have graduated this year with my degree). I have an incredible job, getting closer to that license (you can pray for me) and I don’t always feel like I am influential in my writing soooo yes but in all that happiness – joy – is something I strive towards daily. Not the happiness that makes the world’s timeline make sense but the happiness that says, “Lead me, Lord”.

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant – Robert Louis Stevenson.

Now you are probably stuck on the “you dropped out?” section. Well, let me just tell you that sometimes you must go through a situation to have sympathy for someone else. In grade 10 I took Math’s and got just below 80% and judged people who took Math’s lit internally. Then grade 11 came and I had to go to several math’s tutors and cry before every math’s exam just to scrape through and get asked to consider taking Math’s Lit. So, when I knew of people who skipped university or people who dropped out I too judged internally only to have my eyes opened to reality and that varsity is not for everyone and it does not make you any less capable if you went or did not go. Leading me to start studying towards a degree in the same year I should have graduated with one. Life humbles you and helps you become more sympathetic in the strangest ways. Now, these are the cards I was dealt, and I am not saying you should play your cards the way I have played mine.

You are not in this world to live up to other people’s expectations, nor should you feel the world must live up to yours – F Perl.


Oh, but what is the point. The point is that if I had my way I would be dead today but instead God had His way and I am here – learning and growing day by day. Now do I have days where I wish things could be fast-tracked or where I could see where the next 5 years will take me? Yes. Today is one of those days – heck last week I sobbed because working and studying full time is not as easy as I planned but it is just yet another process I must fight through and must be courageous in. Yes, I am exhausted, but I did indeed have the vision of being a contender this year and that means I have fought fights before and won and I will continue fighting through every up and down. Discipline and patience in your preparation for the fight will make the fight easier. So, all I can basically say in my whole 19 years and 11 months of living (haha) is that you should love others, yourself and fight and surrender to an all-knowing and loving God. Life is not a linear line but as Doctor Who would say life is “timey-wimey” and it really is. There is no set plan you should follow – have goals yes but not at the expense of your life. Have dreams yes but not at the expense of your health. Pressure is good – it turns coal into diamonds but don’t put so much pressure on yourself that you would prefer not to see another day.


Go ahead and be brave, strong and kind (to yourself and others) and breathe.


“Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes.
Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. 
You’re doing just fine.” 
― Charlotte Eriksson

2017, Uncategorized

Seize: live loved.

“The most pathetic person in the world is some one who has sight but no vision.” 
― Helen Keller


“Without vision the people perish” A well known scripture in the book of Proverbs and something I have been able to see in my own life. “If you fail to plan , you plan to fail” right? I began this year with the vision “Seize : live loved”. In my planning I acknowledge my shortcomings and areas I need to improve basically and like things that I believe will grow me into all God has destined me to be. I am a runner. No not fit or anything (2018 I might be able to say this but as for 1998-2017 me I cannot say that). When the going gets tough I get frustrated, push through and never speak of the events again. I am task driven and can fix things with ease but once people get in the mix that is a whole other ball game of emotions I am apparently not yet equipped for.


Are you comfortable? I am about to tell you the story of 2017. The year of memes that concealed our suffering. The year of the internet. The year where sass was not concealed. The year where everything was made clear.

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”
― Zora Neale Hurston

2017 did not ask questions nor did it answer questions but it pointed things out and alluded to things you had to make your own mind up about. If anything 2017 made us more independent than ever. I fight – I do not like being wrong, I do not like being vulnerable and I do not like not knowing the answer (the  answer to what you may ask – well the answer to anything really). I like being complimented, I like being recognised and I like being liked. I know all these things about myself but I fall short at being a decent person towards myself. I do not celebrate my achievements I just keep aiming for the next one. I do not mourn heartbreak or a break up or the end of a friendship – I just shake it off and move on. I forgive but my heart still aches. I live for the end goal – the one day – the tomorrow. We never reach tomorrow we just keep getting met by today’s and waste our today’s thinking about yesterday so basically we never really greet each day the way the day greets us and we wonder why we keep living in a spiral of heartache, sadness and no growth. NOTE: I am really not pointing fingers  as I am one who lives thinking about yesterday while dreaming about tomorrow – today. Poor today.


Opportunities came and I am proud to say I grabbed them with both hands but living loved… oh boy that opportunity did not get met with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. It was met with the harsh reality that a fear of rejection and a fear of commitment can be a seed one day but when not given the attention it can grow in full force. That the thing with bad things it just needs negligence to grow – it is the good that requires effort and attention. Forgiveness is one thing but healing is a completely different thing. I have shared time and time again in small snippets on my blog before that my dad was and is an absent father and I no longer hate him or wish the worst or him but I do unfortunately have this little negative thing at the back of my mind that keeps telling me that “don’t get too close because they will leave” Romantic relationships, friendships, moments, opportunities. How awful?


“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
― Brené Brown


My challenge for 2018 to myself is to love myself without ensuring others love me. I want to be able to walk into a room and think who can I greet instead of – why are they looking at me? Is it something I am wearing? Did they hear something about me? There are years that ask questions and there are years that answer and this year as I said has underlined, emphasized and circled everything I needed to focus on. I have always been about goals but never made – self love- the godly kind a focus. Who does God say I am? God won’t leave me if I fall short but He loves me because of who He is and not my achievements or shortcomings.


My vision for 2018 is CONTENDER: I will . I will fight for me, for love, for God and oh no not through my strength but through Him who is in me.


“Yet not what I will, but what You will” – Mark 14:36


The importance of the Rest Note.


“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.”
― John LubbockThe Use Of Life


Rest… No not sleep. Rest. I have slept many times and woken up more tired than when I went to bed because I am someone who is super guilty of not doing things that energise me and grow me as a person. I am very good at completing the task. I complete tasks so well that tasks can begin to complete me and when I actually stop I have no idea how to answer “Hey! What do you enjoy  doing in your spare time?” Firstly what is spare time and secondly… I will get back to you on that one.


I absolutely love writing and love reading but I do not do this everyday … Why? Well there are other things I need to do.

“Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important.”
― Stephen R. Covey

Dancers have a count in their dancing to ensure they keep the beat and don’t fumble around.. but here we are not going from 1,2,3,4 but from 123456789 and fumbling around and having more bags under our eyes than Prada has ever made. We will put our self in the trenches of dissatisfaction if we do not focus on the war of achieving, growing and being true to ourselves. Being true to ourselves has more to do than thinking we are nice people and this are our morals but it also has to do with who are we really? what makes us happy? what do we enjoy doing and are we taking care of ourselves. People become s sick that doctors put them on bed rest. Yes,bed rest. Not an endurance race to push themselves further. No rest.

I have developed something very interesting this year and yes it is self diagnosed but I have developed some sort of anxiety. I am good at getting things done that when “the reward for hard work is more hardwork” appears I accept it and just run from task to task in leaps and bounds that when soemone asks me something about my work I get on high defense mode and if I am not busy enough I sit and think about all the things I need to do and I can feel my heart beating out of my chest into my throat and then I shut down and create more lists… lists on lists. Goodness I could create a to do list for my to do list.


I have owned the plot twists that came my way this year  but I have fallen short in the regard that I disregard the moment to enjoy the bigger  picture but when the bigger picture comes around I am too busy thinking about how it is all supposed to play out that I miss that too.


You need to sit and analyse where you want to go and how you actually want to feel when you get there. Make time for the important things – We are told to rest in God and not to be so exhausted that we cannot even finish our Bible reading for the day. If we ever become too busy for God then we are more busy than God ever intended us to be. Love others as you love yourself but being too busy to love yourself will result in you not loving others correctly either.

I once again have no quick or easy way to rest and to feel on fire instead of a heap of ash that you crave sleep for many many years but all I can say is praise God, praise Him again and breath.

Rest isn’t easy and I know for many people saying no isn’t an easy task and for me asking for help is even more daunting because I may be 5.4 but I can do this. YAAAS. Haha just joking but rest means saying no to the person who wants you to stay up until 3 again because they refuse to take your advice, it means declining that party because you have had a busy week, it means telling yourself to stop thinking in a certain way and imagining scenarios that haven’t even happened yet and probably never will. You do not need to escape from your life but you do need to know how to put rest in there and prioritise things like praying, reading your Bible, having 10 minutes of absolute silence because you are overwhelmed. It is about speaking to your soul and to forge ahead. Rest. Realise Even Superheroes Tire. Saving the world is hard work but resting doesn’t mean you never saved the world it is just about regaining your strength and mind. Rest isn’t an escape from life but enjoying it.


Put your feet up, watch Friends again or eat that bowl of popcorn without looking at your emails. Get up and finally run the run you promised yourself you’d run. Do the things you have been putting on the back burner and in the midst of it all – rejoice.

“Rest and be thankful.” ― William Wordsworth


Oh she’s a fighter.


Okay so I let people in and I’ve forgiven but now what.

There comes a time in your life when you have to be more than your struggle and you have to be more than your testimony. I’ve forgiven my dad , I’ve taken ownership of my life and I’ve surrendered to God but who am I when I am not sharing this story? What fuels me if this is not the drive? Where am I heading if not out of my struggle?

Here I stand bewildered. Not in wilderness but feeling like a wilderness. These are the thoughts and challenges I faced up until last year. I couldn’t share my story and say oh no I was insecure and I’m learning how to be confident in myself because I was confident in myself but something strange that came along once I overcame and shared my story came overthinking.



Every single thing I did , everything people did to me I thought about. I became fueled with this need to be prepared for whatever could happen because I couldn’t be prepared for my dad not being there and I couldn’t be prepared for my bullying. I could be prepared for tests so that made me happy because if I failed when I was prepared I knew I did the best I could do. I could prepare for speeches. But I couldn’t prepare for how people perceived me and I couldn’t prepare for the heartbreak and rejection to come.

I guess you could call the next part of my story – the after shock or PTSD (Post Testimony Stress Drive. )

I forgave, I let my walls down, focused on how being a woman was something I should be proud of and I accepted the body I was given and who I was. But how am I supposed to prepare for the plot twist? For the next mean word? For the “I love you but I’m out of here” the unexplained ending of friendships. The abandonment and the people pointing “ you have daddy issues”. How? How ? How? Overthinking ruled my life and I had to find a way to solve every possible thing that could happen to me. Whether it meant I simply didn’t let people In too close or I appear as if I am opening my heart and soul but honey you only know what I want you to know. I seem vulnerable but this a mere facade.

I became a pro at seeming un-phased and I thrived on “ look I barely have emotions “. It was a controlled situation and it made sense to me. My desire for control , my desire for being prepared , my desire for knowing … oh boy they took over. Being a Christian and wanting to be all knowing and all prepared will really mess with your brain. Being Christian is about not being able to see but still believing.

I wouldn’t put myself into situations where I thought it would result in me not knowing what to say or what to do. I became socially awkward because “hello what’s your name?” Would be the start but who knows what they could ask next. I’d be terrified of phone calls because texting was easier for me because I could control what I said and which direction the conversation would go. I had time to think I had time to process. This whole spontaneous way of living life freaked me out.


Hello I’m Katelyn and I suffered from post testimony stress drive. Which basically means I have overcome the initial issue but there’s a new level of stress that I need to yet again overcome.

It’s a strange thing to overcome and stumble upon another battle. Like cool I just won this fight and now I must fight again? No thank you this is exhausting. I am just going to simmer in these thoughts for a while and hope no one asks what’s going on in my mind.


That was me – now hello I’m Katelyn and I suffer from being unapologetically me and I cry when things make me happy or when things upset me – I vocalize my thoughts and feelings and I’m surrendered to what God wants from me and I love every human in my life in a way I never have before.

How did I get here? Well it’s simple and not simple at the same time. I had to make conscious decisions that I do not need to put the stress of figuring the plan out on myself and to trust in an all knowing God. How did I stop thinking? I haven’t figured this out 100% but I think maybe 40% of the time whereas before I would think myself into a flat panic 85% of the time if not more. My vision for the year was to “ live loved” and that is how I learned how to navigate this next battle. I approach people with the thought that they won’t hate me and if there’s an awkward silence let me just look at it as a silence instead of awkward.

The approach needs to change and one has to make conscious decisions and yes you have to fight a battle more than once to win it sometimes. I still fight the overthinking battle but instead of sitting in this constant frustration I have learnt how to ask for clarity and not fear looking “too much”.

So my lovely humans – seize the day, live loved, be you unapologetically and let God lead and follow His plan it is so much less stressful.


Stand up straight.

F133E688-9C74-412F-9FF0-DA8DD0CBBAD3Feelings, emotions, tears, anger and things were spread across the floor. Words, screams and empty looks galore. I sat there begging myself to stop feeling but in the begging I only began to feel more and more…

I have wrestled with writing this blog post for years because I believed writing about the story must mean you aren’t over the story but writing this now I realise I am actually okay. So hello let me welcome you into my deepest thoughts and feelings and I must please just ask you to leave no coffee stains on my table top.

I grew up without a dad. He did not really leave he was just simply not there and this is something I came to terms with before I was even born because having a mom and not a dad made sense in my brain because that is all I ever knew until someone told me that because I am who I am my dad left. That sentence embedded itself into my DNA and left my world absolutely shattered. The words that came after that left me even more numb and begging the person to stop telling me these things… I was called ugly,stupid, worthless and abandoned. I had statistics of how growing up in a single parents household would just set me up for failure. My world was rocked and my heart was aching.

The years following on from that statement just led to me hating who I was more and more. I could find things to hate about me everyday. Oh you didn’t get that right? You are so stupid. The bullies left the playground but their words became echoes and screams in my head and I no longer needed others to throw words at me because I was more than capable at being my biggest enemy. I no longer needed people to tell me how awful I was because I was more than capable at telling myself how much of a failure I was. Self-harm does not always have a razor pressed against your skin with blood pouring out… Self-harm can also be when your cutting happens internally and because no one can ask you did your cat scratch your arm?

I had to learn how to forgive those who wronged me and then I had to learn how to forgive myself.  Sure the forgiveness wasn’t easy but I managed to forgive my dad and the bullies but forgiving myself was the next huge mission… Girl you tried to kill yourself? How much can you really hate yourself to get to that point? I locked myself into a castle that was protected by so many dragons that I alone was stuck in the highest room seeing all the happiness around me but all I could feel was coldness. If  I stay in this room I won’t feel anymore pain. Blocking yourself off from sadness blocks you away from happiness too. The mind is a powerful thing and fighting with the wilderness of the mind is probably one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.

How could the one person who was meant to love you leave you ? That is something I struggled with and came to terms with that everyone left but I was still stuck on the thought of how could those who love  you leave?  Wilderness. I became a wilderness. An uncultivated, uninhabited and inhospitable region. I pushed people away and I become a pro at running away from things that seemed like they might hurt me. I preferred pushing away happiness and feeling sadness because I was in control of that feeling. It took me a while to realise that I could choose joy and that I am actually in control of how I feel.

Without God I would not be writing this blog post and I would be dead. God wanted me as His daughter alone and I realise now that I had to go through that to appreciate love more and to understand that no one is perfect but my body still saw love as a threat. I did not let anyone close to me and did not see the point of having great friendships because everyone leaves in the end BUT I forgave myself. I saw the beauty of loving people so unashamedly… I understood that feeling happiness so deeply was worth whatever pain may come. The prayers you pray in the wilderness come to fruition in the promise land. God did not give me a sense of happiness, peace and comfort in the wilderness I created for myself until I stepped out of the wilderness and into His promises. I overcame my self-hate and hate towards my dad in 2013 and life improved so much sense then.


Until heart break and overthinking knocked on my door when I had enough courage to love someone without running away. I saw myself slipping into my old ways and walking back into the wilderness where I begged God to take me because the heartache became too much and I sat back and was astounded at how the challenge that previously took me into my wilderness came in a different form this time and I was so easily led back into the wilderness…



I guess you can say that your overcoming will be tested again and again.


Any recovering addict will tell you that you aren’t just clean from your addiction but it is a daily decision to overcome again and again and to remain clean. I am addicted to overthinking and addicted to thinking that I am better off on my own. But this is a trap and whether your addiction is relationships, love, cutting, hatred, bitterness, drugs, alcohol or whatever it is a daily overcoming. It is not a clean break. Its a daily walk and a daily decision… Your prayers in the desert need to continue in the promise land. The stance of your prayers may change but the enemy knows where to attack and aim and if you leave that area unguarded.

I am not saying you need to be negative and think that you will slip into your old ways again. No. All I am saying is that if you are set free from the wilderness but you keep the same attitude in the promise land you will never be set free from the wilderness stance and the wilderness hunger for more. The thirst you had in the wilderness will remain and no matter how many wells are around you wont drink from it because you still living in the sense of unanswered prayers and the sense that you haven’t gotten far at all. The prayer from the wilderness may change when in the promise land but the prayer changes from asking to thanking but the requests stay the same and your thoughts become bigger.


I have felt the addiction to run very recently but I needed to remind myself that I am not the ten year old little girl who was abandoned, bullied and wanted to die but I am the nineteen year old woman who is chosen, resorted and loved.


The posture needs to change or else the deliverance is null and void.