2017, Uncategorized

Isolated inclusion.

 

The wilderness is not a place of fear or a place of failure. The wilderness is a place where you see trees that have been uprooted by the wind because their roots weren’t deep enough and where you see other trees standing the test of time. The wilderness is a place of finding your “enough”, your happiness and enjoying the journey of discovery in the maze you find yourself in.

 

I found myself at a crossroad. The one road led to a place that made complete sense to me. A place where I could logically make sense of where to go to next. The other was the wilderness. Where I did not know that if I took the next step would it be safe or would I be falling into a hole and twisting my ankle? Constant anxiety and fear because none of it made sense to me and I could not explain it to anybody else. I have answers for days. If I don’t have an answer I could make you think I had the answer. When I found myself at the crossroad- I went the logical paved out road. Went to University and did a degree I was passionate about. Met incredible people but something within me did not feel right and half way into my first year I came towards an off ramp that led to the wilderness I did not want to go on at the beginning of the year. I stepped into possibly one of my scariest decisions. I put my studies on pause and stepped into working at a church I have been attending and serving at for the past 10 years. Nothing made sense, I was filled with anxiety and needed to know what the next step was at all times.

I promise this blog post has a point to it.

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I have never felt so much isolation from people I stood with firmly until I made this decision. The wilderness, unfortunately, has narrow paths and involves a lot of walking and not being sure. I personally am not a fan of hiking in nature so I cannot blame people who did not want to hike this new journey with me. I looked at all this isolation from people who did not understand why I made this decision and felt as if their rejection meant that I made the wrong choice. I felt like I should go back to the logical because did I really know if this was what I was called to? But if I took my eyes off of the isolation. I felt so much inclusion at the same time. Love, support, and hard work. God puts you in a place that does not make any sense but in that place, you find so much love. you love yourself differently and you love others more. Hiking is not a thing you should really do alone and when I began inviting people onto my walk instead of shutting them out- when I tripped there was someone to help me up. Tripping still hurts even if someone helps you up but having someone there in the journey makes the journey so much more rewarding. The best conversations probably happen in the wilderness and you hear things so much clearer. I am not saying God is screaming into my ears “go hear next” but you know He is there. Every step and He sees.

 

I am not saying drop out of varsity and start working at your church. I am saying that you should find the happiness in yourself. Things that sit right with your soul and forge towards that with everything you have. You know what you are supposed to be doing- You know the wilderness you ran away from but walking by sight will make logical sense but walking by faith helps your soul see things so much clearer. Believe me, if you told me that I would be working with kids even just one year ago I probably would have laughed and brushed you off but now that I work with kids every single Sunday I have become a gentler me.

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We so often disregard what God can do in our life simply because what God often wants to do with us makes us feel uncomfortable and doesn’t really suit our schedule. The wilderness is where there is limited communication but clear communication at the same time.

 

“It had nothing to do with gear or footwear or the backpacking fads or philosophies of any particular era or even with getting from point A to point B.
It had to do with how it felt to be in the wild. With what it was like to walk for miles with no reason other than to witness the accumulation of trees and meadows, mountains and deserts, streams and rocks, rivers and grasses, sunrises and sunsets. The experience was powerful and fundamental. It seemed to me that it had always felt like this to be a human in the wild, and as long as the wild existed it would always feel this way.”
Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

 

He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber…. The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. (Psalm 121:3, 5-8)

The wilderness looks different to everyone and if you did the brave step of just jumping and trusting that the plan unravels on the way down- You are not crazy. You need to stop listening to the doubters and listen to a different voice.

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So embrace your wilderness experience as it is part of your growth.

“God knows things we don’t. We can trust His perspective instead of our own understanding.- Lysa TerKeurst

 

 

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2016, Uncategorized

You don’t know what you are missing

“But to cry in front of you, That’s the worst thing I could do.”-Rizzo,Grease.

“How dare you show any sort of emotional connection to anyone?! This is not what we spoke about. Keep it together.” These are the words I told myself whenever someone said something mean. I was not always like this. When I was much younger than I am now I was a victim of bullying. Social media was not a very popular thing when I was in primary school which I am so grateful for. I never saw flaws in myself (I am not saying that because I believed I was perfect and a gift sent from the Heavens). When I say I never saw flaws in myself I mean that I did not think being skinny was wrong, being short was unattractive, growing up with a single parent was wrong… I never thought that being a late bloomer was in any way wrong or not enough until one day…

I remember the day as if it was yesterday… I was leaning over to talk to a little child and someone walked past me and said no wonder you do not have a father, no wonder he left you… I would have left you too. I stood up and was so overwhelmed by emotions that I did not react, did not say a word… I just stood there and told myself you better not cry. Before this moment I was told that it was not attractive to have a thigh gap, or to be skinny or to be short or to be clever or to be an achiever (I am a bit of an over achiever and have no shame about it). What I am trying to get at is that I did not see fault or see lack until someone else pointed it out to me. I was fully satisfied with who I was and I adore my family and I would not have changed it for the world.

I need to set one thing clear:My dad did not leave, he was simply just not any way part of my life. I do not have any childhood memories of him and I have no sort of hatred or disgust towards him. Having a child is not an easy task especially if you want to give your child the best of everything. He was not ready or capable of that and my mom stepped up and raised me with such love and grace and I would not trade her for the world.

Anyway back to my story. I did not see an issue with emotions or expressing feelings or anything until people made me believe that it is weak. I felt a rage build up within me and anger became my natural reaction to everything. You called me ugly? Okay here is some anger and sarcasm. You back-stabbed me and spread rumours about me? Oh here is some anger with a touch of insult and bad words. Anger was comfortable for me because I believed it made me look strong and as if I have everything in control. I never told my family about the bullying and torment and because crying is weak I never shed a tear about these issues so how would the have known something was wrong?

My mom is my biggest role model and she is my biggest supporter. I failed to recognise her sacrifices and her love through the years because I was listening to what the little kids said…saying I need a dad and because I do not have one I am not enough. You see I did not see myself as a beautiful creation for so many years and I did not see myself as worth anyone’s time. I did not see myself as a blessing I believed I was a curse and that I needed to have curves and all those things that made a girl worth anyone’s time.

Here is something I should have told myself instead of do not cry: You are enough. You are allowed to feel any emotion you choose to feel. You deserve love. This is not your fault. Recognise what is in your life currently and stop focusing on what you are missing out on.This is not called settling it is recognising that this is who I am and this is what I plan to do to improve myself and not try to be someone else. The featured image is an image of my latest tattoo. The inspiration behind it is instead of being  a Barbie that was “Made in China” I am a child of God “Made in His Image”.

 

“A rose can never be a sunflower and a sunflower can never be a rose All flowers are beautiful in their own way, and that’s like women too.”-Miranda Kerr

 

 

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2016, Uncategorized

One of a kind.

“…you’ll search for me inside of everyone you’re with & I won’t be found.” r.h. sin

Comparison is such an ugly thing but is something we do unintentionally. Comparison has to be made as humans are our threshold of who we are. We cannot describe ourselves without referring to another human as a threshold. “I am short” How do you know you are short without comparing yourself with someone who is taller than you? “I am tan” How would you know that without comparing yourself with someone who is pale or dark? Comparison is necessary and important surely but we have taken it too far. We have become radical comparison humans.

I am sure many women will agree with me and say that when they cut their hair men started treating them differently and some men will even go so far as to say that women are more attractive with long hair than short hair and I have two things to say to those men…

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People will always compare you and that is just what humans do so naturally but when you begin comparing yourself to the next person that is when trouble sets in. “Comparison is the thief of joy.” If you feel you need to change yourself into someone you are not just to get someone to love or like you then you are selling yourself short. The way to get ahead in life and be happy is by successfully being yourself because no one on this planet is who you are. He will search for someone better to replace you but that won’t happen because no one is arranged in the manner in which you are arranged and the key to true happiness is to accept and love the wonderful arrangement in which you have been created.

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