2017

Cherophobia

IMG_5553“And there it was. Happiness just a shot away from me but here I was overthinking it to the point of being miserable.”

My writing is mostly fuelled off of experience and how I managed to deal with what was given to me and lately I have been… happy. Genuinely happy. However, I have not been enjoying this happiness. I have been figuring out how this will all leave me. How I did not deserve this or that maybe this is too good to be true. No not in a I walk around with a cloud of darkness over my head but if happiness was a couch I was merely sitting on the edge getting ready to be asked to leave my seat.

I did not rest in the comfort of happiness. Still struggle with that. I realised that I view breakthrough or joy as something that will be ripped from me and be yet another challenge I must face. But when the couch of happiness is in your face you really cannot keep ignoring it not allow anyone to sit on it in fear that it will be taken away. The what ifs will ultimately be the death of some of us. Changing your view on happiness is important. I know I have been guilty of not enjoying a breakthrough, good times and utter joy because if I did not enjoy happiness as much surely I wouldn’t be in the same amount of pain when sadness comes? I know right how sad are my thoughts sometimes.

 

I am here just to say that we should not have a fear of happiness and that we should jump onto that couch and cuddle right in it with a pillow of laughter, a blanket of love and be dressed in clothes filled with affirmation. Happiness should not be a guilty pleasure but it should be enjoyed. Fully. Happiness isn’t something that will stop coming around and while it is here I think we should be grabbing it with both hands.

 

” He fills my life with good things so that I stay young and strong like an eagle.” -Psalm 103:5

 

Take your happiness back into your own hands. Silence the thoughts and celebrate once again. You know that you want to. That relationship you have been so scared of because you fear you aren’t good enough? Sit on the couch of happiness because you are good enough and you deserve love. That trip you have been terrified to take? Sit on the couch of happiness because you deserve to explore. That smile you have been scared of smiling? Sit on the couch of happiness and show us those pearly whites.

 

Cherophobia: The fear of gaiety, happiness, joyfulness or rejoicing.

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2017, Uncategorized

I should be there.

“Personality begins where comparison leaves off. Be unique. Be memorable. Be confident. Be proud.”
Shannon L. Alder

The comparison game is a nasty game but a game so many of us play. It starts off with an innocent joke like “Oh I wish I had your hair” and deepens to a “let me destroy her image so I appear better”. I used to be a pro at playing this game. I was the girl you would compliment and I would immediately say no I am not pretty, no that is not true or no you are much better than I am. I did not want to say those things about myself but I unfortunately just began picking up this bad habit which took years to shake off.

What you allow is what will continue. I allowed myself to be treated badly (I am not saying that being bullied was my fault- I am saying that I could have put an end to it sooner). I had words thrown at me that apparently described me and I took these words to heart and basically repeated it to myself day in and day out. My primary love language is Words Of Affirmation. Meaning that to me – actions don’t always speak louder than words. Compliments mean a lot to me and criticism- when said harshly – can hurt me a lot. Unaware of “love languages” when I was much younger I did not understand why the words I heard hurt me so badly and why I took it to heart.  (http://www.5lovelanguages.com )

It took years for me to overcome these hurts and struggles in my life ( this is to come in a later blog post when I can properly retell the story) but insecurities do not just go away. Insecurity is like an addiction if you do not guard against it, it can come back and take control when you least expect it. The words you say to yourself sit deeper than words others tell you and fortunately I caught this addiction of mine early enough. I was sitting next to my mom the other day trying to take a selfie with my epic rainbow under lights hair and when I took the selfie I looked at it and immediately told myself, oh my word look how chubby my face looks, my eyes look funny… my smile doesn’t even look genuine. Sure the selfie would not have been put in a collection of my greatest selfies of 2017 book but it really wasn’t terrible.

Lighting impacts many things and when the source of the light is not from within the spotlight can taint your view.

little-grams

This picture may not show my face but it was taken the same day I felt very down and angry. Posting this picture was me taking a stand against all those negative words and this post is not just about me and me patting myself on the back. It is me showing you that bad days will come, you might have a sad day, sad month but do not tell yourself you are not worth it. Do not enter into the pit of overthinking. Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you really love and respect.

I should be further in my life, I should be married, I should be in university, I should be able to drive, I should be there… The reason those words are the title of my blog is simple. You should be where you are right now. You should be focusing on growth and happiness. Shower yourself with love and compliments without being filled with pride. You should not be where she is and you should not look like him.

…Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?… – Esther 4:14

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