2016, Uncategorized

Pain. Suffering. Agony-Ouch.

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“If the wounds on her heart and the bruises on her soul were translated on her skin, you wouldn’t recognise her at all.”

– Verona Q

“How could you hurt me like that? How could you say those words? How could you just hit me ? Instead of asking you these questions…I asked myself. The pain became so unbearable that I began to question everything I was. In my mind happiness resulted in sadness…Love resulted in heartbreak…Friendship resulted in loneliness and beauty was temporary.”

We all deal with pain and suffering differently and pain and suffering is different to everyone. Pain is a reaction to allow healing but we make pain the walls we build around ourselves. Pain becomes our bodyguard and the thing with pain is that it does not know who the VIPs are or who should not be on the list. Pain is the bodyguard that will not let anyone in thinking they are not welcome.

Pain is a funny thing because you feel it when you get a paper cut but you do not feel it straight away when you twist your ankle because of adrenaline. I think emotional pain works the same way… We cry when  dogs die in movies but when we receive the most heartbreaking news we sit in silence and become numb because we fear we will never stop crying.

“I felt so much pain, that I started to feel nothing…”

I think that is when we go wrong… We do not allow ourselves to feel and we just work through the motions of life ignore our emotions because they cannot be easily understood and the tears do not seem to heal the deep wounds but the ignoring of the wounds results in them becoming infected and never truly healing.

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”

J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Pain is something that needs to be felt. When we get close to fire we start feeling pain and that tells us that if we proceed we will harm ourselves but when it comes to emotional,spiritual and mental pain we react differently. But why? Pain is pain and acknowledging it makes  all the difference. I thought that  feeling numb was much better than feeling pain but in reality the pain still needs to be felt the numb feeling is just a mere cover up and prolonging the healing process.

When I was at the tattoo parlour the other day this guy next to me applied so much local anesthetic to the area he was about to get tattooed in that he barely felt much. The artist told him that the pain will still come even if it is delayed and that got me thinking to when I blocked out pain and pretended it wasn’t there just so I did not have to feel it until the pain demanded me to feel it. Pain or the blocking out of it results in one blocking a lot of other things out as well…When I decided to ignore the bullies words it did not mean that I immediately forgot all the things they said to me I just chose not to show them I was hurting but I was a hypocrite because in public I looked like I had it all together and then when I was alone I was a complete mess. The words of the bullies did not stop at their mouths it became the only way I saw myself. It took me years to train my brain to think of myself in a different light.

Acting like I had it all together resulted in  me cutting people out of my life and pushing people far away especially people who cared about me because in my mind they are the ones who will hurt you the most. That is true but they are also the ones who you can love and support you the best. (I know this to be true now). The words that I heard over and over again became the truth I lived my life by. The only truth I would accept. Pushing people away resulted in me pushing God away for creating me…” I was not what the world needed…nobody wants me here so why am I here?? “-Thoughts I lived my life by.

Pain demands to be felt sometime or another so when the pain hits I think we should fully feel it in the moment and we should not turn from God in those moments because when we block pain out -we block happiness out- we block love out and then we just become zombies that are numb to all things.

“While other worldviews lead us to sit in the midst of life’s joys, foreseeing the coming sorrows, Christianity empowers its people to sit in the midst of this world’s sorrows, tasting the coming joy.”-Tim Keller

Pain sucks but pain will always come… The way in which we choose to deal with the pain changes who we are. If I acknowledged  the pain I was feeling much earlier and cried and became angry and let it out I honestly think it would have been so much better. Pushing people away in life only leads to our own destruction- we need people and we need God.

“I DON’T CARE!” Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!”
“You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Pain sucks I agree 100% but when we deal with other humans it will always be a factor we have to acknowledge. We cannot not have pain because then I do not think we would really appreciate happiness or healing… There is a term called “redemptive suffering” it is basically suffering for the benefit of others. Jesus suffered for our benefit.

“But resurrection is not just consolation — it is restoration. We get it all back — the love, the loved ones, the goods, the beauties of this life — but in new, unimaginable degrees of glory and joy and strength.”-Tim Keller

“Madge: I don’t know why I keep shouting at them.
The Doctor: Because every time you see them happy you remember how sad they’re going to be. And it breaks your heart. Because what’s the point in them being happy now if they’re going to be sad later. The answer is, of course, because they are going to be sad later.
~ The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe”

Steven Moffat

I do not have all the answers as to why pain happens or how to make it hurt less but just like getting a tattoo cover up- it can hurt really badly in the moment but it turns into the most beautiful thing if you put yourself under the hand of someone trustworthy. When we are in pain we should go to the ultimate Artist and let Him turn the pain into something beautiful.

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.”
Oprah Winfrey

 

 

 

 

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2015, Uncategorized

“a feeble spark, next a flickering flame, then a mighty blaze”

“There I was, cold, isolated and desperate for something I knew I couldn’t have.
A solution. A remedy. Anything.

…I hated it. Alone and confused was the last place I wanted to be.
Somehow I knew I deserved this.”
― Brian Krans

 

2015 you strange year you. I started 2015 off believing it would be my golden year and that is simply because I was in my last year of high school about to enter the big world. But. I thought that this meant a magical year filled with happiness,delight,friendships galore and not a stress in the world. Turns out that I was the gold put in fire. Purification was my destiny and oh boy purification hurt.

I cried and begged for happiness but I was left in isolation and filled with more confusion than ever. As Brian Krans I wanted a solution,a remedy,anything…But one cannot end the purification mid way. You have to sit it out. When gold is purified “dross” rises to the surface. So when all the mess and hurts and pains in my life rose to the surface I was uber confused as to what is going on. I did nothing wrong. I was in this furnace of confusion to be purified and now this dirt is the only thing people can see? What the actual heck. The process is repeated until no dross appears. Painful eh? Well this was 2015 a year of isolation,confusion and change. Friendships stopped “fitting” and I begun feeling displaced but as the year ends I realise now that I needed the purification and all the seemingly bad things that took place.

Sometimes we see the situation we are put in as unfair and we want the final product without the process and sadly we need to sit through the process otherwise the final product will never come. I wanted to become more “fierce” this year and to be at ease with myself and become a phoenix and a flame. I wanted to be better than I was before and I thought that this year would be better than before but pain is what makes you better. The hurts lead to a beautiful healing. Pain is never unnecessary. Pain changes things and pain improves other things. So the purification was needed and achieved my goal of wanting to be better.

 

“Which came first, the phoenix or the flame?’
‘Hmm . . . What do you think, Harry?’ said Luna, looking thoughtful.
‘What? Isn’t there just a password?’
‘Oh no, you’ve got to answer a question,’ said Luna.
‘What if you get it wrong?’
‘Well, you have to wait for somebody who gets it right,’ said Luna. ‘That way you learn, you see?’
‘Yeah . . . Trouble is, we can’t really afford to wait for anyone else, Luna.’
‘No, I see what you mean,’ said Luna seriously. ‘Well then, I think the answer is that a circle has no beginning.’
‘Well reasoned,’ said the voice, and the door swung open.”

J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

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