2016, Uncategorized

Disillusioned hallucinations

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My soul leads me into the desert, into the desert of my own self. – Carl Jung

I was speaking to a friend of mine the other day about different seasons of life and she brought up that there can be a season of complete stagnation… I never really thought of a season of “nothing” but that is when I realised that I am in fact in my desert season.

The desert is super hot during the day and super cold at night and without water hallucinations begin to take over your mind. I entitled this blog post “disillusioned hallucinations” because no other words described this season (in which I find myself )any better. When you get stuck in a desert experts would tell you to keep out of the sun as best as you can- which runs true in a figurative desert- you have to protect yourself from others spotlight because if you focus too much on it your mind will begin to become dehydrated and you will thirst for something that is not within your reach.

At the first sign of thirst you are advised not to drink all your water at once. You need to ration yourself as the days go on. So basically when the first sign of success comes or the first sign of movement comes along don’t indulge yourself in it. Take small sips and remember this is the reason for the desert season. DO NOT PANIC when you are stranded in a desert- When we find ourselves in the desert we usually find ourselves walking in circles or into bigger trouble simply because we want to get out of this dry dry dry area… Staying put in a desert is what experts encourage. You need to calm yourself in order to truly assess who you are and how you ended up here. Once you have calmed down and are certain you know where you are going – it is important to make your mark. You are encouraged to focus on a distant landmark and to follow it to wherever you are going. So in your figurative desert it is important to keep your focus on where you want to be even if you do not know where you want to be you still need to focus on a future where you are happy and satisfied. Keep your eyes on God and remember that walking through this desert is not only for yourself but it is for whoever happens to walk in a similar desert- your journey will be the path they follow to their version of a happy and fulfilled future.

In deserts you are encouraged not to speak as it results in your body losing water. In the figurative desert I think that you need to know WHEN to speak. But being silent (basically not complaining that nothing is happening in your life) is the best option. When you speak make sure that what you say says huge amount. In your figurative desert it helps to listen and ponder more than it does to yell and complain. Remember that a desert isn’t just hot… it gets cold…super super super cold. So in a “nothing happening” season remember that happy moments can come and you can feel safe and secure but sad moments will come too and you would want nothing more than shelter. But in the desert you need to brave the weather conditions even if you are going nowhere. When the temperature drops you need to be secure and know that you will be safe- basically when the stagnation results in panic know that God has you regardless of what you are feeling.

 

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides – Hillsong, Desert Song

 

I cannot tell you when or how the desert season ends but I can tell you that harvest is on its way. Keep sowing seed into yourself and others and it will eventually come to a bountiful harvest. The desert is when you learn about yourself and who you are trusting in. The first few days – even months are torturous but you need to remind yourself that they are mere hallucinations.

 

“Something will grow from everything you are going through & it will be you.”

“Where are the people?” resumed the little prince at last. “It’s a little lonely in the desert…”

 

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. – Isaiah 43:19

 

The desert tests obedience and you will discover who you are without any challenges and without any success.

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2016, Uncategorized

The beauty of vulnerability

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“Vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal you heart is one of the most daunting…yet rewarding experiences in life. It will set you free.”

 

I never understood what vulnerability is, I always just assumed being vulnerable meant opening yourself up to get hurt. I thought making yourself vulnerable meant making yourself the bullseye and allowing people to target practice on you. I would be lying if I said that being vulnerable does not still terrify me. There has always been this one person in my life that being vulnerable with was such an easy task but unfortunately being vulnerable with that person caused more trouble than anything else. Imagine opening up yourself to someone only for them to listen say okay and then leave pretending as if it wasn’t a big deal. Exposing yourself to someone is not an easy task but I don’t think being vulnerable is necessarily for anyone else, I think being vulnerable benefits you more than anything else.

 

Being vulnerable means being honest and raw. I don’t think I was always honest and raw with myself. I used to be a very insecure angry girl that used to tell herself that she is pathetic, useless and not worth much. Now was this being honest? No. We are all worth something, we aren’t pathetic and telling yourself these things puts up a barrier between you and yourself and in return you ultimately build a barrier to the entire world. Vulnerability is confidence. I don’t think one can obtain true confidence without being vulnerable. Vulnerability is showing who you really are and valuing yourself. Showing someone my writing is me being vulnerable as writing exposes who I am and is something I truly cherish.

 

The dictionary definition of vulnerable is “Vulnerability is the quality of being easily hurt or attacked.” And I think when we see this definition we run away from anything that makes us vulnerable because who would honestly want to be easily hurt? No one. Being a human being opens you up for being easily attacked so why not be true to yourself? I would rather be attacked for the truth than a lie. I do not want to be a target because I was not true to myself. Brene Brown is one of the most brilliant writers on the topic of vulnerability and she states that “Vulnerability is our most accurate form of courage”

 

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brené Brown

 

When avoiding vulnerability, we need to weigh up what we are giving up and what we have. Not being vulnerable leaves true love, strength and joy behind and we only have cowardice and regret which ends up hurting us anyway. The person I am so willing to be vulnerable with is someone I care deeply about and I don’t want to end up losing them because I put half of myself into the relationship. Vulnerability is giving it all.

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”

― Brené Brown

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2015, Uncategorized

“You can hear it in the silence…”

In the complete absence of sound I began to listen and to hear. 2015 has been a year of silence and feeling stagnant. Nothing extreme happened. My mind was loud but words failed to come out. The world felt quieter and my heart was filled with emotion. I could not understand why nothing exciting happened to me and why I led such a boring life? I dyed my hair like every 2 weeks sometimes so there was no way I was boring. I had purple hair twice this year for goodness sake.

Silence is like a river of grace inviting us to leap unafraid into its beckoning depths. It is dark and mysterious in the waters of grace. Yet in the silent darkness we are given new eyes. In the heart of the divine we can see more clearly who we are. We are renewed and cleansed in this river of silence. There are those among you who fear the Great Silence. It is a foreign land to you. Sometimes it is good to leap into the unknown. Practice leaping.

MACRINA WIEDERKEHR, Seven Sacred Pauses

This quote spoke to me and I finally understood that silence is a teacher and it trains you to understand,listen,become more and it teaches you how to be content. I always want better,want more and want something else and I struggle to accept the goodness right in front of me. I am a drama student and as a drama student I should have realised ages ago that this silence was merely a pause that grabs the audiences attention and prepares them for what is to come. Silence/pause acts as an emphasis and puts such power on a word that preceded it or proceeds it. The silence we experience at times is a preparation of greatness.

Silence is ultimately a changing agent as once silence comes into a relationship the relationship either ends or becomes stronger. When you hear nothing from a friend and always have to initiate some sort of conversation the silence from that friend teaches you that change has to come and some people have to go. When silence comes into your life do not see it as if you are invisible or as if the world has forgotten the silence comes as a change agent whether the change will come in your personal life or in the environment around you. Change will come nonetheless.

In Absurd theatre silence was used to represent how meaningless life became and silence made the audience uncomfortable resulting in the audience questioning their everyday life.

 

Silence is the most powerful scream.

ANONYMOUS

 

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