“Tired, tired with nothing, tired with everything, tired with the world’s weight he had never chosen to bear.”
We have heard the saying “sometimes you have to fight a battle more than once to win” but I do not think we realise how true and powerful that quote really is. It is in letting our guard down that we become susceptible to unnecessary pain. If you have read any of my previous posts this year you will know that my “vision” for the year is to be a Contender. And oh boy has it been a show to watch. I am an overthinker as we all know and if I do not put my guard up against sending myself down a spiral of negative thoughts I will get caught in a web of anxiety of feelings of insecurity that are rooted in nothing more than lies. We often need to apologise to ourselves for the lies we tell ourselves because we would never be caught dead telling the things we tell ourselves to others because that is bullying and emotional abuse after all but we are so comfortable telling ourselves those lies.
“There were many times when truth spoke to me, but I did not listen. Often it called to me, but I did not hear it. I was too busy listening to lies. Unfortunately, if you listen to lies long enough, when truth speaks you cannot hear or bear it.”
So hello dearest readers and welcome to a bit more about me. I love the quote about from F. Scott Fitzgerald because it speaks about the place we can get ourselves into sometimes. Being exhausted and not even sure why but we know why – we let our thoughts keep us up at night, we over committed ourselves to more than we should carry (we can do anything but not everything – remember?) and we just put ourselves into an emotional place that we knew we should not be in but hey the heart is stubborn.
One thing I have learnt in the past 5 months or so is that Coping is not curing… I have done an incredible job at learning how to live side by side with my anxious thoughts and thinking okay this is how its going to be and this is where things stand until one day I felt a good little shake in my spirit (basically telling me to pull it together- gosh) saying that just because you are coping does not mean the situation is getting better or even changing at all. Like imagine you have a pain and the pain is there for a few days and you obviously notice it and try to suppress it and then that same pain is now present for a few weeks… still a bit uncomfortable but meh? and now its years later and you have figured out how to move independently and worked around the pain as a whole. We as humans are often caught in the trap of living a life of just dealing with the situation we are in and making it work instead of saying “nah fam this is not what my life is going to be like”. Now I know you cannot just get up and say no its done but you can make daily changes to help accommodate a new way of living.
I am a chronic overthinker who gets overwhelmed by my own thoughts and then I think of all the negative what if and research it and then I am slightly emotional and angry and then I go to bed. Healthy right? Well a few people asked how do I actively cope with my anxiety and thoughts well this is where things get tough and quite interesting… What I do depends on the thoughts.
“Lovely One, if you dare to dream, you must be brave enough to fight.”
Insecurities: I take note of what I have achieved and who God says I am. No I do not feel immediately better but I give myself something else to think about. When it comes to success… I break the situation up and give myself smaller pieces to chew because anyone would be frantic if a tidal wave came towards them but if a few drops of water came sprinkling towards them they would cope much better. I have learned how to talk myself out of the emotions by sometimes literally repeating the words “it is going to be okay…it is going to be okay” . Please do not go thinking “gosh what happened to her?”nothing happened to me but I am human and have a desire to take on more than I should and that can leave me feeling tired. Anxiety does not only come to those who have had an emotional warfare it can literally happen to anyone.
“Outward pressure is always an opportunity to be inwardly transformed.”
1.a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.
See? It can happen to ANYONE! Anyway… the point I am trying to get to is that – you need to keep positive thoughts going and doing what you are capable of and yes that is anything but not everything. Do not get yourself to the point of exhaustion that not even sleep can cure but you need to live…”(informal”: Spend one’s time in an extremely enjoyable way). Do not run away from the difficult situation or the overwhelming task you are about to undertake but take steps each and every day that will help and guide you. Plan your weeks and days so you can see that it is possible and when the thoughts of “I am not worthy” remind yourself that You are Who HE says you are… God calls you worthy and if you do not believe in God know that you are still enough and that getting up each and everyday should not feel like a mammoth task that has no end goal but cheer yourself on because you are doing so well.
“We are meek in the way we follow and fierce in the way we fight. In this manner, gentle and fierce meet and are comfortable.”
You are going to need to fight the battles sometimes many times to win but victory is there and as you know there are many rounds to a boxing match but you are a contender and you should fight till the end. Do not give up because the opponent seems bigger or that he is spitting words at you claiming you are weak and pathetic but instead you best stand guard and put your best foot forward and fight. Pace yourself and fight. Bernard Hopkins says that you got to keep your mind clean and your body clean.
I recently got a tattoo that symbolises “when you see the flowers you will understand the important of the rain”. The seed doesn’t give up when it is planted and doesn’t see being in the dirt as a failure but it takes up the nutrients of the soil, soaks up the rains and spreads its roots and when well anchored begins to bud and blossom. In this way we should live too.
Though the winter is long even richer
The harvest it brings
Though my waiting prolongs even greater
Your promise for me like a seed
I believe that my season will come.
Seasons, Hillsong Worship
Your season is coming but to win you need to get back into the ring.