2017

Stand up straight.

F133E688-9C74-412F-9FF0-DA8DD0CBBAD3Feelings, emotions, tears, anger and things were spread across the floor. Words, screams and empty looks galore. I sat there begging myself to stop feeling but in the begging I only began to feel more and more…

I have wrestled with writing this blog post for years because I believed writing about the story must mean you aren’t over the story but writing this now I realise I am actually okay. So hello let me welcome you into my deepest thoughts and feelings and I must please just ask you to leave no coffee stains on my table top.

I grew up without a dad. He did not really leave he was just simply not there and this is something I came to terms with before I was even born because having a mom and not a dad made sense in my brain because that is all I ever knew until someone told me that because I am who I am my dad left. That sentence embedded itself into my DNA and left my world absolutely shattered. The words that came after that left me even more numb and begging the person to stop telling me these things… I was called ugly,stupid, worthless and abandoned. I had statistics of how growing up in a single parents household would just set me up for failure. My world was rocked and my heart was aching.

The years following on from that statement just led to me hating who I was more and more. I could find things to hate about me everyday. Oh you didn’t get that right? You are so stupid. The bullies left the playground but their words became echoes and screams in my head and I no longer needed others to throw words at me because I was more than capable at being my biggest enemy. I no longer needed people to tell me how awful I was because I was more than capable at telling myself how much of a failure I was. Self-harm does not always have a razor pressed against your skin with blood pouring out… Self-harm can also be when your cutting happens internally and because no one can ask you did your cat scratch your arm?

I had to learn how to forgive those who wronged me and then I had to learn how to forgive myself.  Sure the forgiveness wasn’t easy but I managed to forgive my dad and the bullies but forgiving myself was the next huge mission… Girl you tried to kill yourself? How much can you really hate yourself to get to that point? I locked myself into a castle that was protected by so many dragons that I alone was stuck in the highest room seeing all the happiness around me but all I could feel was coldness. If  I stay in this room I won’t feel anymore pain. Blocking yourself off from sadness blocks you away from happiness too. The mind is a powerful thing and fighting with the wilderness of the mind is probably one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.

How could the one person who was meant to love you leave you ? That is something I struggled with and came to terms with that everyone left but I was still stuck on the thought of how could those who love  you leave?  Wilderness. I became a wilderness. An uncultivated, uninhabited and inhospitable region. I pushed people away and I become a pro at running away from things that seemed like they might hurt me. I preferred pushing away happiness and feeling sadness because I was in control of that feeling. It took me a while to realise that I could choose joy and that I am actually in control of how I feel.

Without God I would not be writing this blog post and I would be dead. God wanted me as His daughter alone and I realise now that I had to go through that to appreciate love more and to understand that no one is perfect but my body still saw love as a threat. I did not let anyone close to me and did not see the point of having great friendships because everyone leaves in the end BUT I forgave myself. I saw the beauty of loving people so unashamedly… I understood that feeling happiness so deeply was worth whatever pain may come. The prayers you pray in the wilderness come to fruition in the promise land. God did not give me a sense of happiness, peace and comfort in the wilderness I created for myself until I stepped out of the wilderness and into His promises. I overcame my self-hate and hate towards my dad in 2013 and life improved so much sense then.

 

Until heart break and overthinking knocked on my door when I had enough courage to love someone without running away. I saw myself slipping into my old ways and walking back into the wilderness where I begged God to take me because the heartache became too much and I sat back and was astounded at how the challenge that previously took me into my wilderness came in a different form this time and I was so easily led back into the wilderness…

 

 

I guess you can say that your overcoming will be tested again and again.

 

Any recovering addict will tell you that you aren’t just clean from your addiction but it is a daily decision to overcome again and again and to remain clean. I am addicted to overthinking and addicted to thinking that I am better off on my own. But this is a trap and whether your addiction is relationships, love, cutting, hatred, bitterness, drugs, alcohol or whatever it is a daily overcoming. It is not a clean break. Its a daily walk and a daily decision… Your prayers in the desert need to continue in the promise land. The stance of your prayers may change but the enemy knows where to attack and aim and if you leave that area unguarded.

I am not saying you need to be negative and think that you will slip into your old ways again. No. All I am saying is that if you are set free from the wilderness but you keep the same attitude in the promise land you will never be set free from the wilderness stance and the wilderness hunger for more. The thirst you had in the wilderness will remain and no matter how many wells are around you wont drink from it because you still living in the sense of unanswered prayers and the sense that you haven’t gotten far at all. The prayer from the wilderness may change when in the promise land but the prayer changes from asking to thanking but the requests stay the same and your thoughts become bigger.

 

I have felt the addiction to run very recently but I needed to remind myself that I am not the ten year old little girl who was abandoned, bullied and wanted to die but I am the nineteen year old woman who is chosen, resorted and loved.

 

The posture needs to change or else the deliverance is null and void.

 

 

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2017

just a bunch of no sense.

 

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The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. – Tom Clancy-

Coming up with a plan and goal for your life or year immediately shows where you’ll be attacked and challenged.

This is why so many people don’t stick to their new years resolutions because it becomes difficult or seems mundane and there’s yet another thing we didn’t have enough guts to follow through with. It’s just who we are as humans. So when I had the vision of “Seize and Live Loved” stirred in my heart I knew the attack would come and that I’d feel tired and that I’d become exhausted emotionally

I don’t mind physical challenges or pushing through because it’s logical and I can see it so I can find a way to change it but emotional challenges knock me hard to the core. I can over think overthinking and overthink my overthinking. I can go into a downward spiral that can result in me breaking my own spirit and own heart. Scary right? A few weeks ago I posted about the fear of being happy. And let me tell you I was extremely happy when I wrote it. Happy to the point of having a bounce in my step and a smile on my face every moment. Nothing could bring me down. Needless to say that once I decided to sit in the comfort of happiness my warm blanket was ripped away from me and the couch began to be the station of thoughts beginning to swirl all around.

I struggle to live with the idea of me deserving something just for me being me. It doesn’t make sense so when something happens it must be because I did something to deserve it. Like there was some work and physical action that resulted in what is happening. “Just because” gifts don’t make sense to me. And “just because” blessings make even less sense to me. Like I know like I know God loves me and blesses us but I used to be stuck in the thought that if I do this God will do this. Oh silly me God is way bigger than my comprehension. The point of the story is that once I began embracing everything around me and allowing myself to be happy and accepting and not doubting all these ” just because” things the pulling and snugging came.

It happened gradually and then the rug was pulled out from out from under me and that’s when I knew I had to fight with everything within me not to go into a spiral of doubt and a spiral of trying to blame myself. The blame has to go somewhere right? There isn’t anyone else to blame? No other situation to blame so I’ll blame myself. Logical. Concise. There’s a plan. I like plans.

If you’re reading this and nodding your head I’m about to rock both our boats. Self blame does not bring earthly resolution. Self blame does not bring comfort, sense or closure. Self blame however shakes your identity, shakes your purpose and results in you becoming brittle. Brittle bones break and if you dare suck the calcium and magnesium from your bones anymore you are doing more than just self blame you are self harming. It’s a dangerous game to play. You need to take a stand and decide on a valid action plan such as – prayer, God’s word and capturing those thoughts before they suck Joy from your life. Happiness is a fleeting emotion but Joy is an atmosphere. And that means it needs to be created and cultivated.

 

I don’t have an easy ” here’s how to not overthink in 5 steps ” but all I can say is that you have to decide. Take a stand and don’t allow the thoughts to spiral and swirl and wrap you in its tornado of bitterness, anger or sadness. Go towards the flood of love, acceptance and joy. The natural disaster of tornado overthinking is bad but the natural disaster of God’s flooding love and acceptance is restoring.

 

” Whenever I say your name- let the devil know not today.” – Hillsong

“You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.” – John 13:7

We weren’t made to understand everything God says or does but we were called to be obedient and trusting. If it was about seeing it wouldn’t be faith it would be called walking and trusting in your own human ability.

 

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2017, Uncategorized

I think my head might explode.

crazy

“but there was nothing I could do to dim the supernovae exploding inside my brain, an endless chain of intra cranial firecrackers”
John Green

Hi my name is Katelyn and I am an overthinker.

Hi Katelyn”

 John Green described it best and maybe that is why I didn’t write for a while… because there is a supernovae exploding inside my brain. Overwhelmed, anxious, scared. I don’t know.

Have you ever been at a point where there is so much happening in your life that you actually cannot keep up so you just sit and absorb it all and feel permanently tired. I am understanding that feeling a bit more lately. Friends leave- I know that Life gets busy- I know that. Disappointments happen- I know that. So why am I allowing myself to be defeated by all that is happening instead of confronting it?

“I had some terrific experiences in the wilderness since I wrote you last – overpowering, overwhelming,” he gushed to his friend Cornel Tengel. “But since then I am always being overwhelmed. I require it to sustain life.

Everett Ruess”
Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

The controlling bit of me cannot understand why I am allowing myself to spiral. Not spiral as in I am having a meltdown and shaving my head and doing things I would not normally do. Spiralling to the point where I feel I have no voice. If you know me personally you would be shocked because if there is anything I use a lot it is my voice and my opinions. I think that me being overwhelmed is a sign that I am not looking to the Author and Perfector of  my faith. We are told to cast all our anxieties unto Him and to speak to our soul but honestly do we even do that? Prayer starts to become a habit and reading our Bible gets brushed off. We become overwhelmed when we internalise the world and not His Word. I am guilty of being so busy that I am all about me. You did that to ME. You hurt ME. This is hurting ME. Blaming and finger pointing is just like unforgiveness. A bitter pill that we choke on.

“If you are too busy to pray, you are busier than God wants you to be.”
Wanda E. Brunstetter, Wanda E. Brunstetter’s Amish Friends Cookbook: Desserts

Before you shut down and stop reading my blog I want you to know that this is not a blog post to bring pity or for me to sit here and ask for loving and kind messages. This is a blog post about seeking The One who calms the storms and to speak to your innermost self. I have been obsessed with the song “It is well”- By Bethel Music for the longest time and I did not realise why it was so intune with my soul until I started writing this blog post again. We are not supposed to internalise the pain but to speak about it and understand it. Stress causes many health issues because we keep it inside and make dramatic grunts instead of figuring out a way to minimise our stress and prioritise what really matters.

“Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.”
Wanda E. Brunstetter, Love Finds a Home: 3 Historical Romances Make Falling in Love Simple and Sweet

You can either decide to let life happen to you and sit back and feel overwhelmed or you can let life come with all its might but you are ready for the fight that is about to come. Rest in knowing that God is still in control and that you have a lot more within you that you do not realise. Grow through what you go through. Writing this blogpost did not immediately stop me from overthinking and bring a sense of calmness to my soul. You need to realise that peace is something we have to work on daily. We need to stop the seeds of thought  before it  grows into a tree and has a lot of ripe fruits of negativity. It is a daily process. A work out regime and diet for your soul if you wish.

These thoughts and feelings of isolation came make us feel rejected but I found this amazing quote that brought some comfort to me.

“Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.”
Bernard Branson

“The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say, ‘O God, forgive me,’ or ‘Help me.’” –Billy Graham

“Endure. In enduring, grow strong.”

Chris Avellone

The walk is not easy but it is filled with rewards in forms our mind cannot comprehend. Trusting that things will get better and allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a daily walk.

Through it all, through it all. My eyes are on You.

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