2017

The importance of the Rest Note.

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“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.”
― John LubbockThe Use Of Life

 

Rest… No not sleep. Rest. I have slept many times and woken up more tired than when I went to bed because I am someone who is super guilty of not doing things that energise me and grow me as a person. I am very good at completing the task. I complete tasks so well that tasks can begin to complete me and when I actually stop I have no idea how to answer “Hey! What do you enjoy  doing in your spare time?” Firstly what is spare time and secondly… I will get back to you on that one.

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I absolutely love writing and love reading but I do not do this everyday … Why? Well there are other things I need to do.

“Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important.”
― Stephen R. Covey

Dancers have a count in their dancing to ensure they keep the beat and don’t fumble around.. but here we are not going from 1,2,3,4 but from 123456789 and fumbling around and having more bags under our eyes than Prada has ever made. We will put our self in the trenches of dissatisfaction if we do not focus on the war of achieving, growing and being true to ourselves. Being true to ourselves has more to do than thinking we are nice people and this are our morals but it also has to do with who are we really? what makes us happy? what do we enjoy doing and are we taking care of ourselves. People become s sick that doctors put them on bed rest. Yes,bed rest. Not an endurance race to push themselves further. No rest.

I have developed something very interesting this year and yes it is self diagnosed but I have developed some sort of anxiety. I am good at getting things done that when “the reward for hard work is more hardwork” appears I accept it and just run from task to task in leaps and bounds that when soemone asks me something about my work I get on high defense mode and if I am not busy enough I sit and think about all the things I need to do and I can feel my heart beating out of my chest into my throat and then I shut down and create more lists… lists on lists. Goodness I could create a to do list for my to do list.

 

I have owned the plot twists that came my way this year  but I have fallen short in the regard that I disregard the moment to enjoy the bigger  picture but when the bigger picture comes around I am too busy thinking about how it is all supposed to play out that I miss that too.

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You need to sit and analyse where you want to go and how you actually want to feel when you get there. Make time for the important things – We are told to rest in God and not to be so exhausted that we cannot even finish our Bible reading for the day. If we ever become too busy for God then we are more busy than God ever intended us to be. Love others as you love yourself but being too busy to love yourself will result in you not loving others correctly either.

I once again have no quick or easy way to rest and to feel on fire instead of a heap of ash that you crave sleep for many many years but all I can say is praise God, praise Him again and breath.

Rest isn’t easy and I know for many people saying no isn’t an easy task and for me asking for help is even more daunting because I may be 5.4 but I can do this. YAAAS. Haha just joking but rest means saying no to the person who wants you to stay up until 3 again because they refuse to take your advice, it means declining that party because you have had a busy week, it means telling yourself to stop thinking in a certain way and imagining scenarios that haven’t even happened yet and probably never will. You do not need to escape from your life but you do need to know how to put rest in there and prioritise things like praying, reading your Bible, having 10 minutes of absolute silence because you are overwhelmed. It is about speaking to your soul and to forge ahead. Rest. Realise Even Superheroes Tire. Saving the world is hard work but resting doesn’t mean you never saved the world it is just about regaining your strength and mind. Rest isn’t an escape from life but enjoying it.

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Put your feet up, watch Friends again or eat that bowl of popcorn without looking at your emails. Get up and finally run the run you promised yourself you’d run. Do the things you have been putting on the back burner and in the midst of it all – rejoice.

“Rest and be thankful.” ― William Wordsworth

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2017

Spring? Is that you?

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It is said there are flowers that bloom only once in a hundred years. Why should there not be some that bloom once in a thousand, in ten thousand years? Perhaps we never know about them simply because this “once in a thousand years” has come today.
(Yevgeny Zamyatin)

Spring has come and some trees are still bare. There’s not one leaf, not one fruit, not one flower… Just dryness. What happens when spring comes but I’m not blossoming? Come on now I’m on a deadline. I have to be in full bloom by the age of 25. Or I have to have a boyfriend because what the actual heck is wrong with me if I don’t? All my friends have boyfriends. I don’t think trees look at the trees next to them and judge themselves wondering oh my actual word why don’t I have apples? Honey you’re not an apple tree that’s why you don’t have apples.

I am guilty of putting pressures on myself and deadlines that fit in my mind set of life. “Get all A’s” “Get a full bursary” “Get a degree by 21” “Get a license” “Buy a car” “Get a boyfriend” “Buy a house” “Get engaged” “Get married ” “have two kids by 35”. I used to put my entire life on a time line. I had a five year plan. Heck I had every second planned. The pressure of continuous planning is that when winds come to sway your branches you get upset because the plan didn’t include the wind. The set back. The drama. The break up. The tears. The plan only includes what we want to happen… It doesn’t include the reality and misfortunes of life. We get so frustrated with ourselves and when someone comes along and breaks our heart we get upset because it wasn’t part of the plan and it was unexpected… We put our internal pressures onto the external and try and force all the trees to grow in this way. Not every tree bears fruit in the same season… We were all planted at different times and some need to establish roots before they can bear fruit and provide shade and shelter. Is the tree dead? No. The tree is in full swing and it’s important that the tree has a good root system so it can withstand future storms.

 

 

So… Now the fact that we aren’t currently blossoming and that we feel like we are in a whirlwind of storms… Well you see pruning is important to a tree – when we hold onto the dead and give no space for the new. We hold onto that thing that happened to us and put it into every pain we have because letting go feels like we are saying that we are okay that that bit of our life is gone and let’s be honest if you loved your friend or boyfriend or girlfriend so dearly just letting go isn’t the simplest task? We refuse to let go because then we are accepting and moving ahead and eventually the chapter closes and we start writing a new one and “rather the hurt we know than the one to come” right? No no. Prune. Cut those dead things because this encourages growth. “How will cutting things off me make me grow?” Well you see pruning is actually beneficial to a tree because it helps it grow in the way it was supposed to grow. The hurts and pains are all important to our growth but holding onto our rotten fruit just brings flies and who wants flies?…

 

You don’t need to be blossoming and thriving right now. You can take your time. Do your pruning and take yourself to the true vine… The ultimate Gardener. God will prune you and develop you and bring the sweetest fruit out of you. Don’t put a deadline on yourself. Take the pressures away and R E S T in Him and trust him.

No it’s not easy. It hurts. Telling yourself that everything is a okay isn’t easy when you keep seeing the blossoms around you and you look at your feet and all you see is dead leaves… But the wilderness is a sign of the promise land coming. Be easy on yourself but be strict at the same time. You’re growing so allow yourself the time to grow but encourage growth and not setbacks. Trees don’t pick up dead leaves because they know there’s no life. They let it blow away in the wind… Let the hurts, distractions and worries blow away in the wind of resting in Him.

You don’t have to remind a flower when its time to bloom is near; it has been preparing for it all of its life.
(Matshona Dhliwayo)

Prepare yourself.

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2017

just a bunch of no sense.

 

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The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. – Tom Clancy-

Coming up with a plan and goal for your life or year immediately shows where you’ll be attacked and challenged.

This is why so many people don’t stick to their new years resolutions because it becomes difficult or seems mundane and there’s yet another thing we didn’t have enough guts to follow through with. It’s just who we are as humans. So when I had the vision of “Seize and Live Loved” stirred in my heart I knew the attack would come and that I’d feel tired and that I’d become exhausted emotionally

I don’t mind physical challenges or pushing through because it’s logical and I can see it so I can find a way to change it but emotional challenges knock me hard to the core. I can over think overthinking and overthink my overthinking. I can go into a downward spiral that can result in me breaking my own spirit and own heart. Scary right? A few weeks ago I posted about the fear of being happy. And let me tell you I was extremely happy when I wrote it. Happy to the point of having a bounce in my step and a smile on my face every moment. Nothing could bring me down. Needless to say that once I decided to sit in the comfort of happiness my warm blanket was ripped away from me and the couch began to be the station of thoughts beginning to swirl all around.

I struggle to live with the idea of me deserving something just for me being me. It doesn’t make sense so when something happens it must be because I did something to deserve it. Like there was some work and physical action that resulted in what is happening. “Just because” gifts don’t make sense to me. And “just because” blessings make even less sense to me. Like I know like I know God loves me and blesses us but I used to be stuck in the thought that if I do this God will do this. Oh silly me God is way bigger than my comprehension. The point of the story is that once I began embracing everything around me and allowing myself to be happy and accepting and not doubting all these ” just because” things the pulling and snugging came.

It happened gradually and then the rug was pulled out from out from under me and that’s when I knew I had to fight with everything within me not to go into a spiral of doubt and a spiral of trying to blame myself. The blame has to go somewhere right? There isn’t anyone else to blame? No other situation to blame so I’ll blame myself. Logical. Concise. There’s a plan. I like plans.

If you’re reading this and nodding your head I’m about to rock both our boats. Self blame does not bring earthly resolution. Self blame does not bring comfort, sense or closure. Self blame however shakes your identity, shakes your purpose and results in you becoming brittle. Brittle bones break and if you dare suck the calcium and magnesium from your bones anymore you are doing more than just self blame you are self harming. It’s a dangerous game to play. You need to take a stand and decide on a valid action plan such as – prayer, God’s word and capturing those thoughts before they suck Joy from your life. Happiness is a fleeting emotion but Joy is an atmosphere. And that means it needs to be created and cultivated.

 

I don’t have an easy ” here’s how to not overthink in 5 steps ” but all I can say is that you have to decide. Take a stand and don’t allow the thoughts to spiral and swirl and wrap you in its tornado of bitterness, anger or sadness. Go towards the flood of love, acceptance and joy. The natural disaster of tornado overthinking is bad but the natural disaster of God’s flooding love and acceptance is restoring.

 

” Whenever I say your name- let the devil know not today.” – Hillsong

“You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.” – John 13:7

We weren’t made to understand everything God says or does but we were called to be obedient and trusting. If it was about seeing it wouldn’t be faith it would be called walking and trusting in your own human ability.

 

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2017

Cherophobia

IMG_5553“And there it was. Happiness just a shot away from me but here I was overthinking it to the point of being miserable.”

My writing is mostly fuelled off of experience and how I managed to deal with what was given to me and lately I have been… happy. Genuinely happy. However, I have not been enjoying this happiness. I have been figuring out how this will all leave me. How I did not deserve this or that maybe this is too good to be true. No not in a I walk around with a cloud of darkness over my head but if happiness was a couch I was merely sitting on the edge getting ready to be asked to leave my seat.

I did not rest in the comfort of happiness. Still struggle with that. I realised that I view breakthrough or joy as something that will be ripped from me and be yet another challenge I must face. But when the couch of happiness is in your face you really cannot keep ignoring it not allow anyone to sit on it in fear that it will be taken away. The what ifs will ultimately be the death of some of us. Changing your view on happiness is important. I know I have been guilty of not enjoying a breakthrough, good times and utter joy because if I did not enjoy happiness as much surely I wouldn’t be in the same amount of pain when sadness comes? I know right how sad are my thoughts sometimes.

 

I am here just to say that we should not have a fear of happiness and that we should jump onto that couch and cuddle right in it with a pillow of laughter, a blanket of love and be dressed in clothes filled with affirmation. Happiness should not be a guilty pleasure but it should be enjoyed. Fully. Happiness isn’t something that will stop coming around and while it is here I think we should be grabbing it with both hands.

 

” He fills my life with good things so that I stay young and strong like an eagle.” -Psalm 103:5

 

Take your happiness back into your own hands. Silence the thoughts and celebrate once again. You know that you want to. That relationship you have been so scared of because you fear you aren’t good enough? Sit on the couch of happiness because you are good enough and you deserve love. That trip you have been terrified to take? Sit on the couch of happiness because you deserve to explore. That smile you have been scared of smiling? Sit on the couch of happiness and show us those pearly whites.

 

Cherophobia: The fear of gaiety, happiness, joyfulness or rejoicing.

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2017, Uncategorized

Isolated inclusion.

 

The wilderness is not a place of fear or a place of failure. The wilderness is a place where you see trees that have been uprooted by the wind because their roots weren’t deep enough and where you see other trees standing the test of time. The wilderness is a place of finding your “enough”, your happiness and enjoying the journey of discovery in the maze you find yourself in.

 

I found myself at a crossroad. The one road led to a place that made complete sense to me. A place where I could logically make sense of where to go to next. The other was the wilderness. Where I did not know that if I took the next step would it be safe or would I be falling into a hole and twisting my ankle? Constant anxiety and fear because none of it made sense to me and I could not explain it to anybody else. I have answers for days. If I don’t have an answer I could make you think I had the answer. When I found myself at the crossroad- I went the logical paved out road. Went to University and did a degree I was passionate about. Met incredible people but something within me did not feel right and half way into my first year I came towards an off ramp that led to the wilderness I did not want to go on at the beginning of the year. I stepped into possibly one of my scariest decisions. I put my studies on pause and stepped into working at a church I have been attending and serving at for the past 10 years. Nothing made sense, I was filled with anxiety and needed to know what the next step was at all times.

I promise this blog post has a point to it.

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I have never felt so much isolation from people I stood with firmly until I made this decision. The wilderness, unfortunately, has narrow paths and involves a lot of walking and not being sure. I personally am not a fan of hiking in nature so I cannot blame people who did not want to hike this new journey with me. I looked at all this isolation from people who did not understand why I made this decision and felt as if their rejection meant that I made the wrong choice. I felt like I should go back to the logical because did I really know if this was what I was called to? But if I took my eyes off of the isolation. I felt so much inclusion at the same time. Love, support, and hard work. God puts you in a place that does not make any sense but in that place, you find so much love. you love yourself differently and you love others more. Hiking is not a thing you should really do alone and when I began inviting people onto my walk instead of shutting them out- when I tripped there was someone to help me up. Tripping still hurts even if someone helps you up but having someone there in the journey makes the journey so much more rewarding. The best conversations probably happen in the wilderness and you hear things so much clearer. I am not saying God is screaming into my ears “go hear next” but you know He is there. Every step and He sees.

 

I am not saying drop out of varsity and start working at your church. I am saying that you should find the happiness in yourself. Things that sit right with your soul and forge towards that with everything you have. You know what you are supposed to be doing- You know the wilderness you ran away from but walking by sight will make logical sense but walking by faith helps your soul see things so much clearer. Believe me, if you told me that I would be working with kids even just one year ago I probably would have laughed and brushed you off but now that I work with kids every single Sunday I have become a gentler me.

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We so often disregard what God can do in our life simply because what God often wants to do with us makes us feel uncomfortable and doesn’t really suit our schedule. The wilderness is where there is limited communication but clear communication at the same time.

 

“It had nothing to do with gear or footwear or the backpacking fads or philosophies of any particular era or even with getting from point A to point B.
It had to do with how it felt to be in the wild. With what it was like to walk for miles with no reason other than to witness the accumulation of trees and meadows, mountains and deserts, streams and rocks, rivers and grasses, sunrises and sunsets. The experience was powerful and fundamental. It seemed to me that it had always felt like this to be a human in the wild, and as long as the wild existed it would always feel this way.”
Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

 

He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber…. The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. (Psalm 121:3, 5-8)

The wilderness looks different to everyone and if you did the brave step of just jumping and trusting that the plan unravels on the way down- You are not crazy. You need to stop listening to the doubters and listen to a different voice.

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So embrace your wilderness experience as it is part of your growth.

“God knows things we don’t. We can trust His perspective instead of our own understanding.- Lysa TerKeurst

 

 

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2017, Uncategorized

I think my head might explode.

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“but there was nothing I could do to dim the supernovae exploding inside my brain, an endless chain of intra cranial firecrackers”
John Green

Hi my name is Katelyn and I am an overthinker.

Hi Katelyn”

 John Green described it best and maybe that is why I didn’t write for a while… because there is a supernovae exploding inside my brain. Overwhelmed, anxious, scared. I don’t know.

Have you ever been at a point where there is so much happening in your life that you actually cannot keep up so you just sit and absorb it all and feel permanently tired. I am understanding that feeling a bit more lately. Friends leave- I know that Life gets busy- I know that. Disappointments happen- I know that. So why am I allowing myself to be defeated by all that is happening instead of confronting it?

“I had some terrific experiences in the wilderness since I wrote you last – overpowering, overwhelming,” he gushed to his friend Cornel Tengel. “But since then I am always being overwhelmed. I require it to sustain life.

Everett Ruess”
Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

The controlling bit of me cannot understand why I am allowing myself to spiral. Not spiral as in I am having a meltdown and shaving my head and doing things I would not normally do. Spiralling to the point where I feel I have no voice. If you know me personally you would be shocked because if there is anything I use a lot it is my voice and my opinions. I think that me being overwhelmed is a sign that I am not looking to the Author and Perfector of  my faith. We are told to cast all our anxieties unto Him and to speak to our soul but honestly do we even do that? Prayer starts to become a habit and reading our Bible gets brushed off. We become overwhelmed when we internalise the world and not His Word. I am guilty of being so busy that I am all about me. You did that to ME. You hurt ME. This is hurting ME. Blaming and finger pointing is just like unforgiveness. A bitter pill that we choke on.

“If you are too busy to pray, you are busier than God wants you to be.”
Wanda E. Brunstetter, Wanda E. Brunstetter’s Amish Friends Cookbook: Desserts

Before you shut down and stop reading my blog I want you to know that this is not a blog post to bring pity or for me to sit here and ask for loving and kind messages. This is a blog post about seeking The One who calms the storms and to speak to your innermost self. I have been obsessed with the song “It is well”- By Bethel Music for the longest time and I did not realise why it was so intune with my soul until I started writing this blog post again. We are not supposed to internalise the pain but to speak about it and understand it. Stress causes many health issues because we keep it inside and make dramatic grunts instead of figuring out a way to minimise our stress and prioritise what really matters.

“Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.”
Wanda E. Brunstetter, Love Finds a Home: 3 Historical Romances Make Falling in Love Simple and Sweet

You can either decide to let life happen to you and sit back and feel overwhelmed or you can let life come with all its might but you are ready for the fight that is about to come. Rest in knowing that God is still in control and that you have a lot more within you that you do not realise. Grow through what you go through. Writing this blogpost did not immediately stop me from overthinking and bring a sense of calmness to my soul. You need to realise that peace is something we have to work on daily. We need to stop the seeds of thought  before it  grows into a tree and has a lot of ripe fruits of negativity. It is a daily process. A work out regime and diet for your soul if you wish.

These thoughts and feelings of isolation came make us feel rejected but I found this amazing quote that brought some comfort to me.

“Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.”
Bernard Branson

“The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say, ‘O God, forgive me,’ or ‘Help me.’” –Billy Graham

“Endure. In enduring, grow strong.”

Chris Avellone

The walk is not easy but it is filled with rewards in forms our mind cannot comprehend. Trusting that things will get better and allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a daily walk.

Through it all, through it all. My eyes are on You.

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2017, Uncategorized

I should be there.

“Personality begins where comparison leaves off. Be unique. Be memorable. Be confident. Be proud.”
Shannon L. Alder

The comparison game is a nasty game but a game so many of us play. It starts off with an innocent joke like “Oh I wish I had your hair” and deepens to a “let me destroy her image so I appear better”. I used to be a pro at playing this game. I was the girl you would compliment and I would immediately say no I am not pretty, no that is not true or no you are much better than I am. I did not want to say those things about myself but I unfortunately just began picking up this bad habit which took years to shake off.

What you allow is what will continue. I allowed myself to be treated badly (I am not saying that being bullied was my fault- I am saying that I could have put an end to it sooner). I had words thrown at me that apparently described me and I took these words to heart and basically repeated it to myself day in and day out. My primary love language is Words Of Affirmation. Meaning that to me – actions don’t always speak louder than words. Compliments mean a lot to me and criticism- when said harshly – can hurt me a lot. Unaware of “love languages” when I was much younger I did not understand why the words I heard hurt me so badly and why I took it to heart.  (http://www.5lovelanguages.com )

It took years for me to overcome these hurts and struggles in my life ( this is to come in a later blog post when I can properly retell the story) but insecurities do not just go away. Insecurity is like an addiction if you do not guard against it, it can come back and take control when you least expect it. The words you say to yourself sit deeper than words others tell you and fortunately I caught this addiction of mine early enough. I was sitting next to my mom the other day trying to take a selfie with my epic rainbow under lights hair and when I took the selfie I looked at it and immediately told myself, oh my word look how chubby my face looks, my eyes look funny… my smile doesn’t even look genuine. Sure the selfie would not have been put in a collection of my greatest selfies of 2017 book but it really wasn’t terrible.

Lighting impacts many things and when the source of the light is not from within the spotlight can taint your view.

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This picture may not show my face but it was taken the same day I felt very down and angry. Posting this picture was me taking a stand against all those negative words and this post is not just about me and me patting myself on the back. It is me showing you that bad days will come, you might have a sad day, sad month but do not tell yourself you are not worth it. Do not enter into the pit of overthinking. Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you really love and respect.

I should be further in my life, I should be married, I should be in university, I should be able to drive, I should be there… The reason those words are the title of my blog is simple. You should be where you are right now. You should be focusing on growth and happiness. Shower yourself with love and compliments without being filled with pride. You should not be where she is and you should not look like him.

…Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?… – Esther 4:14

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