He calms the storm

If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.
-Amit Ray-

Oh gosh…

Here it comes.

I truly hated the unexpected feeling of an anticipated meltdown that is never visible but I feel it all on the inside.

I was literally doing nothing and now it feels as if the whole world is caving in. Here I am checking in with those closest to me asking if they still love me , if they still care about me and if they want to stay for the fiftieth time that day. Okay okay… it’s a feeling we have felt before so let’s try smelling some lavender essential oil. Uhmmm maybe exercising ? Okay okay some water might do the trick. But the feeling didn’t pass. It wasn’t like all the other times before but it took a few days for me to shake the feeling.

My world shook when I heard the words you have anxiety and depression. Like I knew. Of course I knew but it’s different hearing it out loud and the stigma attached to the diagnosis messed with me even more. It was difficult to write / blog for a year because I had no desire to. I won’t blame it on anxiety or anything like that but I simply had no desire to sit down and focus. I was willing to let feelings override me and had no energy to fight. There is no simple way to describe the feelings I felt but I can attempt to explain. I felt scared, overwhelmed , uncertain and sad. I felt all those emotions but I didn’t feel weak.

I knew all the symptoms , I knew all the triggers , I knew the facts but knowing everything is very different to feeling it. I began to be engulfed by the thought that I was unloved , unwanted and unnecessary. Not in an insecure manner at all but more in the way that my feelings began to override my reasoning and the truth I knew. I didn’t go into overdrive to fix who I was because I fought too long with self image to allow myself to go back to a phase of hating myself but I went into a fading feeling. Where I didn’t know how to beat the panic that came or the thoughts that came so I waited for the phase to end which was where the mistake began which ultimately led me to writing this post.

To hear the phrase “our only hope” always makes one anxious, because it means that if the only hope doesn’t work, there is nothing left.
-Lemony Snicket-

In the midst of this nauseating storm of panic and uncertainty I knew for sure that I could turn to God. It’s cliche to say because not everyone views God in that light or even sees Him at all in a storm but I don’t think I’d be here if I didn’t see Him in my storm and didn’t see Him in the fog. If I didn’t see Him I would’ve drowned. He is truly the only hope that doesn’t disappoint. The only hope that will always work.

There’s no quick ten step guide to overcoming anxiety , depression , insecurity or anything you’re going through. You need to win the battle of the mind daily. Heck you need to win it every single hour and that is where we get overwhelmed because we believe the big battle needs to be fought right now but the battle can be fought by you getting out of bed when you really don’t want to. The battle can be fought where you decide you’re going to do ten push ups when you barely feel like moving. The battle can be fought by wanting to fight even if you’re not in the fighting stance. The desire is more than enough some days.

The more you pray, the less you’ll panic. The more you worship, the less you worry. You’ll feel more patient and less pressured.
-Rick Warren-

I didn’t think praying and worshiping could help because I was doing all of this when the anxiety and depression hit but you need to pray and worship beyond the anxiety and depression because it does help. Refocusing yourself is sometimes the biggest achievement. It’s not the cure but it’s the therapy. It’s the working through the abyss of the mind. Letting something so powerful take control when the panic wants to creep in. We don’t pray and worship to cure our issue but it’s to tell our issue there’s something so much bigger than it.

Writing this I’m filled with fear , panic and tears but I’m also filled with peace that surpasses all understanding because I genuinely don’t understand how I could possibly see hope through all of this and how I’m able to do things afraid but I need to tell you to get up. That’s all. Get up. You’re winning the battle already.

It’s okay not to be okay but it’s not okay to stay there. You’re not a victim because you have an issue or a mental illness you’re only a victim if you let it win.

“Whenever my busy thoughts were out of control, the soothing comfort of your presence calmed me down and overwhelmed me with delight.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:19‬ ‭TPT‬‬

My panic does not take away from my delight simply because I won’t let it even if it takes everything in me to fight the battle against the panic and I believe you need to and can fight that battle too.